Monday, December 04, 2006

Season's Greetings!

Oklahoma experienced it's first "blizzard" of the season Thursday. During and after which I composed these Christmas cards. Enjoy!

Dear Oklahoma Department of Roads:
What is this mythical "snow plow" of which you speak? In 48 hours, I never saw one of these "snow plows". Thanks for allowing the snow/ice mix to melt/freeze/melt/freeze turning the roads into undriveable, impassable deathtraps. I loved driving in it.

Dear Drivers:
Thank you for continuously hitting the brakes at every possible opportunity when the roads were icy. I enjoyed the possibility of endangering you and myself and countless others while you were driving as if you wanted to kill us.

Dear Mall Shoppers (and the four tour busses that were at the mall):
Thank you for making the mall so crowded I felt as if I were cattle. That made my Saturday fantastic.

Dear Walmart and Target:
I am so glad I battled your parking lots to find out that you didn't have what I was looking for. Thank you for not clearing said lots so that I could experience frostbite in all of my toes from tramping through piles of snow and puddles of melted snow.

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Ok'd, etc.

It's been a busy couple of weeks, including our district gathering, thanksgiving, and a family wedding. Crazy-ness.

So, in interest of time here's what's been going on the past couple weeks.

*Ok'd is over and done with minus the meeting where we look over the evaluations. Overall, it seemed that it went well. The things I knew were going to be iffy, were, and the things that I knew were going to go well, did. At the food bank where the youth served on Saturday, the kids were able to help fill 4 semi's (24, 00o pounds!) that were people-bound as soon as they left the food bank! I couldn't help but feel this disconnect with everything the whole weekend however. It reminded me of the first week of VBS planning on internship year... being so busy managing last minute details I had a hard time gauging if things were going well or not.

*Home was great, thanksgiving was great, and my family was pretty great. My cousins and I sat around watching the Jesus videos and Borat on YouTube before our other cousin's wedding reception. "This suit is blacknot... this suit is black pause not " "Is this coffee? what is this? Is this rice?" "I am walking in the dirt. I am walking in the dirt and the rocks." heh. It still makes me giggle thinking about it.

*Ben and Jerry's in Forest Park Monday night and getting to tour the amazing townhouse on the walk back to my cousin's apartment. It was amazing. Hard wood floors, original radiators, breakfast nook, beautiful kitchen. Sigh. I wanted to move in right away. Too bad, I didn't have $580,000 just lying around.

*We took our first family pictures in 6 years. Will post later.

*Jamie's phone call on Friday... "So, hypothetically, if I were to buy you pajama pants..." :). Keeping Christmas traditions alive.

*Church with my sister on Sunday--the contemporary worshipper in me was very very happy.

*Daniel's window at Ok'd. They were amazing.

*Really really corny jokes. "What did tennesee?" "the same thing arkan-sas" and drummer jokes.

*Being able to decorate for Christmas and listen to my christmas songs without being mocked.

More later, blogger buddies! Happy Almost Advent!

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Back in the Posting Saddle

Given my recent posting absence, I'm trying to be a little more faithful in my updates.

What's been going on recently? I'm glad you asked!

*This upcoming weekend is our Oklahoma District Youth Gathering, Ok'd In Christ. I am the chair of the planning committee. Now before you get all excited, I think I was asked because of my inability to say "no". I'm practicing for next year if I get asked... Practice with me, "No, No, No" (Check back in December to see if I actually follow through).

*Last Saturday, while shopping at the mall, I stopped to buy a pretzel, and was getting ready to pay when someone slapped a $5 on the counter. I turn around to see the source of benevolence and see that it's one of the Dads of a confirmand student. We chat for a while and he says, " I would have figured you would have been out with a boy or something tonight." I think to myself, "I'm ordering a garlice pretzel at 6:00 pm on a Saturday... what part of that says 'attached'?". Instead, I laugh it off and we chat for a while and I head home with my new cute red heels and polka dot socks :).

*National Youth Gathering registration day has come and gone and I'm excited to have the opportunity to take 23 kids and 3 adults to Orlando this summer. I think my sister may also attend with my church--something I'm really looking forward to.

*Thanksgiving vacation this year for me is 6 days! I'm looking forward to stuffing myself with all kinds of yummy food from all the great cooks in my family (and to seeing my family of course).

*Lots of good things are happening at Messiah these days. Our 40 Days of Community small groups finished with both groups expressing a desire for them to continue and our Wednesday Night Bible study is going nicely. Yay!

*God is revealing a lot of new insights to me in Kristy and I's study of Romans.

*Other things are happening and changing in my life and heart. God's working on something, though what it is, I'm not sure.

I think that's all for now blogging buddies, but I'll leave you with a picture or two from my trip home in late September.

My Grampy and I.

Sydney, Me and Zac.

Saturday, November 11, 2006

Impulses and Impressions and Insolence

Sorry, blogger friends, it's been a while. Churchwork life has been crazy.

Recently, Kristylaughed and I have been Bible Studying over the phone. We've been working through Romans this past week as both an opportunity to get into the word on our own and to have some good Bible Study and accountability.

Thursday we dove into Romans 2, a chapter of hard hitting law. One of the things that we discussed was what we found in Romans 2:1. "You, therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgment on someone else, for at whatever point you judge the other, you are condemning yourself, because you who pass judgment do the same things. "

This verse was pretty convicting for Kristy and I. I posed the question, is what I am saying judgemental gossip or simply venting a problem? Where's the line? Is there a line? Is any talk against someone else considered being judgemental? As we wrestled with this line of thinking, we looked up Ephesians 4:29, "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen."

Ahh. Duly convicting. Is my venting beneficial to me or to the listener?

Thanks to Myers-Briggs, I know that I am an "E" and extrovert, external thinker. I have to talk to think things through; I do better when I have a problem to discuss it with someone that I trust. However, I also know that I have the impulse to continue the discussion, to continue on past what is really necessary to share, usually to turn the story to put me in the right. So, if my impulsiveness in this matter isn't helpful to me or to the listener why am I saying it? Why do I not simply follow good old Marty's example and, "pray and let God worry"? And really, while I'm here, what kind of impression of Christ does my complaining give?

While we struggled with this chapter, both of us made a commitment to not only encourage each other, but to watch for that crossing of the line between seeking advice and venting for the sake of venting and when it happens, pray for the situation and lay it to rest because after all, prayer is the most powerful tool God has given us.

That's all for this post blogger friends. More soon!

Thursday, September 28, 2006

I heart Illinois.

I'm going home this weekend! Yippee!!

And now, because I'm a dork... the state song of illinois. :)
By thy rivers gently flowing, Illinois, Illinois,

O'er thy prairies verdant growing, Illinois, Illinois,

Comes an echo on the breeze. Rustling through the leafy trees, and its mellow tones are these, Illinois, Illinois,

And its mellow tones are these, Illinois.

From a wilderness of prairies, Illinois, Illinois,

Straight thy way and never varies, Illinois, Illinois,

Till upon the inland sea,Stands thy great commerical tree, turning all the world to thee, Illinois, Illinois,

Turning all the world to thee, Illinois.

When you heard your country calling, Illinois, Illinois,

Where the shot and shell were falling, Illinois, Illinois,

When the Southern host withdrew, Pitting Gray against the Blue, There were none more brave than you, Illinois, Illinois,

There were none more brave than you, Illinois.

Not without thy wondrous story, Illinois, Illinois,

Can be writ the nation's glory, Illinois, Illinois,

On the record of thy years,Abraham Lincoln's name appears, Grant and Logan, and our tears, Illinois, Illinois,

Grant and Logan, and our tears, Illinois.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

The Wedding Pool

Last week I posed this question to some friends. Based on well, nothing, other than a hunch, who's going to be the next to get married? Contenders were the single DCE girls left (of which there are quite a few, but not as many as there used to be) and here are the results:

The Contenders:
Hannah, Spode, Jamie, Kristy, Susie, Mel, Grace

Spodes Ranking
1. Jamie
2. Kristy
3. Hannah
4. Susie
5. Grace
6. Mel
7. Spode

Jamie's Ranking
1. Kristy
2. Susie
3. Grace
4. Hannah
5. Spode
6. Jamie
7. Mel

Kristy's Ranking
1. Spode
2. Kristy
3. Hannah/Susie
4. Hannah/Susie
5. Jamie/Grace
6. Jamie/Grace
7. Mel

Hannah's Ranking
1. Spode/Kristy
2. Spode/Kristy
3. Hannah
4. Susie
6. Grace/Jamie
7. Mel

Let the weddings begin!! If you want to join into the wedding pool, post your bets on comments.

Winners of the wedding pool will receive an empty wallet after buying presents for all the weddings.

Monday, September 11, 2006

5 Years Ago

Wow. 5 Years have passed since 9/11. It seems unreal to me and still evokes emotion strong enough to break the writer's block.

Everyone has their 9/11 "where were you when?" story when they first heard about the plane hitting the first tower, how life changed.

I remember some of that day clearly, the rest in clips: being annoyed by all the talk on the dorm bathroom radio instead of music... talking to Juanita... going to my room and turning on my tv just in time to see the second plane hit, seeing Dan Rather cry, standing in my towel watching in disbelief and shock as the first tower fell, Rachel coming back from chapel... dragging myself away from the news to go to class, the girls on my floor driving to Lincoln to donate blood, driving to Starbucks with Lil Ang and Haarman, picking up the paper "for our children" (why would we want them to remember?), the prayer vigils, the service at chapel, crying as we sang "I AM Forever who I AM", freaking out over planes in the sky, the flags, the heros of that day, and knowing that our lives--lives of peace and freedom that we'd enjoyed for so long--had changed irrevocably.

"Good evening. Today, our fellow citizens, our way of life, our very freedom came under attack in a series of deliberate and deadly terrorist acts. The victims were in airplanes, or in their offices; secretaries, businessmen and women, military and federal workers; moms and dads, friends and neighbors. Thousands of lives were suddenly ended by evil, despicable acts of terror.
The pictures of airplanes flying into buildings, fires burning, huge structures collapsing, have filled us with disbelief, terrible sadness, and a quiet, unyielding anger. These acts of mass murder were intended to frighten our nation into chaos and retreat. But they have failed; our country is strong...

A great people has been moved to defend a great nation. Terrorist attacks can shake the foundations of our biggest buildings, but they cannot touch the foundation of America. These acts shattered steel, but they cannot dent the steel of American resolve.
America was targeted for attack because we're the brightest beacon for freedom and opportunity in the world. And no one will keep that light from shining.

Today, our nation saw evil, the very worst of human nature. And we responded with the best of America -- with the daring of our rescue workers, with the caring for strangers and neighbors who came to give blood and help in any way they could...
America and our friends and allies join with all those who want peace and security in the world, and we stand together to win the war against terrorism. Tonight, I ask for your prayers for all those who grieve, for the children whose worlds have been shattered, for all whose sense of safety and security has been threatened. And I pray they will be comforted by a power greater than any of us, spoken through the ages in Psalm 23: "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for You are with me."
This is a day when all Americans from every walk of life unite in our resolve for justice and peace. America has stood down enemies before, and we will do so this time. None of us will ever forget this day. Yet, we go forward to defend freedom and all that is good and just in our world.
Thank you. Good night, and God bless America."

President Bush

Thursday, August 31, 2006

And All I Wanted was a Chalupa

*This is a conversation had Sunday evening on my "dinner" run.

At Taco Bell Driveup Window:

Taco Bell Guy1: Here's your chalupa beautiful.
Me: umm.. Thanks (start to drive away)
Taco Bell Guy 2: (hangs out window) Wait! how old are you?
Me: Why?
TBG2: Is that a bad question to ask?
Me: No, I guess not, I'm 24.
TBG2: I'm 22...Would it be appropriate if I got your phone number.
Me: Ummm...
TBG2: Are you married?
Me: No
TBG2: Boyfriend?
Me: No
TBG2: Well have you talked to a black guy before?
Me: Yes
TBG2: Well what's the matter?
Me: Well, I'm not used to getting hit on in the Taco Bell Drive-through
TBG2: This is nothing. If you want me to come out and school up on you, I can.
Me: Thanks, but I'm good.
TBG2: So can I get your number?
Me: ummm.. Thanks for the offer, but no.
TBG2: Ok have a good night
(I drive away).


Thursday, August 24, 2006

Dear Bliggity Blog,

I apologize for inducing such wide-spread panic by using you as a venting medium yesterday. I did not intend for that to happen. Things are ok, and I will survive. Thanks for being there, Bliggity. You're the best blog I have.


Wednesday, August 23, 2006

I think it's going to get a little bit ugly. I can't explain here. Peace out.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006


It's been a while since I've posted anything of real value. I've posted pictures and surveys, but nothing thats been truly insightful on what's been going on in Hannah's life these past few months.

This past week, I had the opportunity to go with my staff to the Willow Creek Leadership Summit Simulcast at Crossings here in OKC. It was phenomenal. The things that impacted me the most personally was Pastor Wayne Cordeiro's talk entitled "dead leader running" and Pastor Andy Stanley's talk on "focused leadership". Stanley talked about how we as church leaders forget that Jesus promised that HE would build the church and that we feel the stress of the church's expectations, our expectations, what we think are God's expectations of us. Stanley said that God's going to build His church with or without us. It's amazing how much pressure that takes off of me-on my abilities or lack thereof. God's going to build His church. He promises that. More on that later after this segueway.

Pastor Wayne talked about his own struggles with burn-out and how on one Sunday, they were having church outside and it had begun to rain early Sunday Morning. Pastor Wayne said that all the way to church he was begging and pleading that God would stop the rain so that they could have church. He said there was a lightning bolt moment of clarity when he heard God say, "You are more worried about the absence of rain than the presence of God." Wow.

I realized in that moment, that was me. Life, since the first of May has been a downpour. Things with work were stressful, things with friends were stressful, things with my finances were stressful. There was no relief. Things hit "critical mass" right before my friend Rachel's wedding. I knew that things could not continue on in this way. I knew that I was very near a breakdown. I'd been praying and praying for relief, for God to stop the storm in my life and I hadn't seen him working. It was still raining. I was still encountering stress from work, stress from loneliness and stress from other adulthood woes. After Rachel's wedding and Orlando things looked a little brighter for me until I realized that I was still the same and that going away hadn't cured any of the problems here, it just granted a temporary escape.

I was still looking for the rain to stop instead of looking for God in the rain. There's a line in the Casting Crowns song, "Praise you in this storm" that reminds me of that it says,

I was sure by now,
God you would have reached down and wiped our tears away,
swept in and saved the day,
but once again, I say 'amen' and it's still raining

Everytime I played that song, that line would haunt me. How can I say amen? How can God expect me to praise Him? Why isn't he making this better?

Enter Leadership Summit:

During Pastor's Wayne's talk, he led us in a time of prayer. He asked us to put our hands on our heart. During the prayer he asked that God be with those of us who'd been struggling, for those of us who'd been tired, frustrated, stressed. During that prayer there was a video montage running scenes over and over in my head of my life that led up to the events in May, all the hurt, the betrayal, the stress, the doubt brought to the surface and I started to cry out of relief. I realized finally that yes, it's been stormy and yes it may be for a while longer still, but God's hand has been there, that God, in His great love and care for me, had provided. I'd just been too busy asking for the rain to stop to see God handing me the umbrella. (Pardon the cheesy cliche)

Saturday Night after some time in prayer and the word, I started to really take to heart what Andy Stanley and Pastor Wayne were saying. That God is present and is going work no matter what. And I think that for the first time since November, I've been at peace.

Hannah:Blog Abandoner

Dear Bliggity Blog,

Sincerest apologies for abandoning you in a such a way as to make my readers think I might have possibly died. I promise I will spend more time with you in the future. No longer will I let you languish in the land of no posting! I will post with regularity!



Tuesday, July 25, 2006


Well, folks, I'm back in Oklahoma City for an extended period of time! After 2 weeks of traveling for work and fun, my office is a mess, my apartment (that I moved into over 2 weeks ago) remains largely unpacked and I haven't seen some of my OKC friends for weeks! Weeks!

(<---- Me and Jamie J!)

This past week (Wednesday-Sunday), 2 adult leaders from my church and myself were able to attend the National Lutheran Youth Workers Conference in Orlando, Florida. It was a blast. So, in keeping with tradition, here are the highlights of the trip

*One of the best things about the trip was getting to spend lots of time with my DCE classmates. The first and last night of the conference, we all sat around and talked for a few hours about joys and concerns of ministry, our personal lives, related funny stories about church life and generally just got caught up. I got to see my former suite-mate, the now Mrs. Dave Timmerman whom I hadn't seen since Midyear and since Marriage. I also got to see Tara Brune, whom I think is just fantastic.

*Seeing my adults get fired up about the National Gathering. I think they were able to get a little taste of what's going to happen in Orlando next year for 37,000 youth.

*Starfield and Fusebox as the bands for the weekend. They were awesome. I heart Fusebox (who was the house band at the last gathering) and now I heart Starfield.

*National News with Jeffrey Meinz. Trust me, this was hilarious.

*These Guys.

*Seeing Blanke and Moulds! My two favorite Concordia Professors!

(<---- Us and Blanke. His comment "I've never been surrounded by so many women before")

*Wednesday Night's Reunion slash Birthday Party. I have not laughed that hard... since... well, Rachel's wedding weekend. After the reunion/birthday party we went to the mall, got some dinner, Spode tried sushi and then we all hung out at the fabulous Wyndham Orlando Resort hotel pool.

*Sleepovers. Spode and I were roommates, so we had some good late night chats about boys and life.

*Dinner with the Griffins, whom I hadn't seen since 1996- back in my OAFC-ing days. It was fun to catch up with all of them.

Those are the highlights. More later this week!

Thursday, July 20, 2006


Greetings from Sunny Orlando! We wish you were here!

(This is a picture of Jamie and I. Yes, we are wearing scarves. Yes we are wearing pajama shorts over our pants. Yes we have on party hats, and YES that is a pepto bismol pink "ask me Jesus" statuary that when you ask it questions answers with things like "Watch out for the lightning" )

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Good Clean Fun

This past weekend was the Sattgast-Lail wedding extravaganza in Huron, South Dakota. I think this has been the most fun wedding weekend attended this far in all my wedding circuit touring. So, without further ado, here's my high points of the weekend.

1. Friday night at the Granite City Brewery in Sioux Falls, SD. I learned that irony is coincidence mixed with tragedy and that everything else is just arbitrary (not random). Grace coined the term "tragonic" to cover everything else that is neither random or ironic. I also learned how to play cornhole, a game where you throw beanbags (cornbags?) into a hole. For a first effort, I didn't do too shabbily. Unfortunately, the Cornholio's did not win the tournament, but not for a lack of trying (or not so subtle cheating on my part). Huron jokes were also a big hit... ex. "what do you say when you jump off a cliff? Huronimo!" "Huron the road yet?" "Huron... Hur-off!" you get the idea. Oh and the soup bowl of ranch that the waiter thought Matt actually drank.

2. The arbitrary K-mart and zesto's ice cream run. The poor Zesto's people probably thought we were crazy out-of-towners as did all of the K-mart people. (See what happens when you let loose about 6 or 7 Concordia Alums?)

(At Zestos. I got a "Krazy Krunch Kone")

3. Spending time with Grace when all the other wedding party people had to go be responsible. We got to take naps and things.

4. Bowling on Saturday. While everyone else was at the rehearsal dinner, Mark, Grace and I went bowling. Mark made the whole night fun with his bowling fun gift bags. He was an excellent date and best of all... I won! (with an 81...we're just that good)

(We take bowling very seriously in Huron. Notice the "cosmic bowling glow in the dark necklace" around Grace's neck? And our awesome headbands and wristbands? Mark made sure we were prepared to get our bowl on)

5. Dinner at the Pizza Ranch on Saturday and making Mark laugh so hard he choked on his food when I said that Grace was "housebroken".

6. The Bonfire-less Bonfire at the Sattgast farm and hearing all about Ben's horrible dating experience. Grace and I looked at the stars that aren't visible in the Oklahoma City or Lodi lights.

7. The wedding. It made me cry a little bit actually (something I've not done before). Rachel looked beautiful, the messge was wonderful (especially the bit Pastor Sattgast read from one of Bob's emails to Rachel).

8. Seeing Bob and Rachel. I can't imagine two people more suited for each other. They looked so ridiculously happy and excited and in love it made me a little nauseous. just kidding.

9.The "third time's a charm" bouquet toss.

10. Dinner at Verto's and our nice waiter Larry.

11. Japanese Haiku, tent shopping, and funny text messages on the drive home.

12. Meeting new friends and seeing old ones and being able to pick up where you left off. And seeing how much everyone is still the same, but different.

13. Having an excuse for a reunion.

Friday, July 07, 2006

Spode's Nifty Little Survey

So, I took this from the spode's website and thought it was nifty so I'm ripping it and filling it out for me, even though I should SO be moving my stuff right now. I have today, tomorrow and sunday afternoon. ack. ack. ack. Anyway, on to the survey!

Two Names You Go By:
1. Hannie (or Hannie Lou to some)
2. Banana (hannah-banana)

Two Things You Are Wearing Right Now:
1. Old Navy Tank tops- my summer love
2. My super cute long necklace

Two Things You Would Want in a Relationship:
1. Faith
2. Patience (let's face it folks, I'm gonna need it) :)
The second number 2. A large shopping budget (see why I need patience)... ok so maybe that's three things but lets face it, if you know me, well, you'll see why thats important

Two of Your Favorite Hobbies:
2. Shopping (Hey--spode has movie watching I can have shopping)

Two Things You Want Really Badly At The Moment:
1. A personal moving company
2. A stress-free job :)

Two pets you had/have:
1. Blaze (the dog)
2. Squeaky the cat (that lived like 3 days)

Two things you did last night:
1. Ate at Johnny Carinos
2. Packed

Two People that live in your house:
1. Me and Pretty soon, no one.. I'm moving...
2. Myself

Two things you ate today:
1. Johnny Carinos leftovers
2. Yogurt covered raisins

Two people you Last Talked To:
1. Lindsey
2. The lady at my apartment complex

Two Things You're doing tomorrow:
1. Moving
2. Planning my children's message

Two longest car rides:
1. Bedford, NH to Willow Hill, IL (November '93)
2. Fargo, North Dakota to Oklahoma City, OK (October '05)

Two Favorite Holidays:
1. 4th of July
2. Christmas Eve

Two Things You Can't Live Without:
1. Books
2. Sonic

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Ridiculously Excited

My name is Hannah and I'm addicted to blogger.

It turns out I just can't stay away. My 10 day hiatus seemed more than enough. So I'm back.

It turns out that I'm the oddball. I used to think that EVERYONE has this big "leaving the state to go to school" experience as well as the "settling in some unknown location and setting up camp" experience. Well, it turns out that minus my friends from concordia, most people aren't like me. They go to a local school, settle somewhat close to home and have a lot of the same college friends around or close and maybe one or two people from their circle have left to pursue fame, fortune, riches, etc. in different locaitons.

God has richly blessed me here in OKC with friends and a great place to do His ministry, but there are times that I wish that all my Concordia friends had all gone to a state college and settled 10 minutes from each other or at the most an hour and that there weren't time zones and things that separated us. So, when opportunities come up to see friends--especially in large quantities, I tend to get very excited. Over-the-top-bouncing-up-and-down-Ridiculously Excited. And there are a couple coming up this very month! YAY!

1)Sattgast's Wedding! I cannot tell you how pumped I am. This is going to be one big CU reunion to witness the union of bob and rachel. Yay! I get to see and spend some QT with Grace and see Anna who's been hiding in Taiwan this past year and not to mention lots of other supercool people that I haven't seen since graduation or longer. Also on my trip to South Dakota I get to see Lindsey and "SARAH SARAH" :) As well as B! Then... on my way home, I get to see the lovely Amy for dinner/possible sleepover in scenic Lawrence, Kansas. I cannot wait. It's going to be a smorgasbord of friends!

2)The National Lutheran Youth Workers' Gathering in Orlando this summer. YAY! I get to see spode and jamie and Tara and lots of other people I haven't seen since midyear or beyond. (well spode I saw at jen's wedding... but still..not for very long and not with Jamie. It was like a spoke in our wheel was missing).

So, yes, I am ridiculously excited.In this two years of life since Concordia, God has sent so many of my friends in so many different amazing places all over the world that it's nice to have TWO (count em TWO) great chances and places to see these people that I consider closer than family sometimes. I can't wait.


Sunday, June 25, 2006


Sorry to disapoint all 6 readers out there, but I'm going to be taking a blogger break for a little while. Look for new posts in about a month or so.

Monday, June 19, 2006

Things Most Missed...

I've been feeling nostalgic recently, so here's a list of things most missed these past few months.

*3D (which we told paul stood for "DCE Debrief and Devo") hehe
*Earlywine walks
*Walks around Seward
*Amigos Runs
*Email as a form of communication (pre-facebook, myspace, etc)
*Bunk bed chats with B and Sattgast
*Ruth B Top
*Blanke's sarcastic humor
*Paul Schoepp's sandals and socks
*Potato Soup (that ALWAYS boiled over) :)
*Wednesday Night Bible Study
*Drives to KoK
*The Late Late nights senior year
*Strieter Stairwell chats and Strieter Bible study
*The crazy floor RA days
*Spending hours in the Effingham Walmart
*Fake engagement rings
*My Freeze Friends
*Rollerblading around Seward
*Fall Festival in Newton, Illinois
*The summer after sophomore year
*All My Children with Melissa, Ang and Juanita
*My grandma's house and all our crazy games, right Lynn :)
*Progressive Rummy at Aunt Katherine's
*Long drives through the country of Illinois
*Stecker's "gus-nado"
*Spring Weekend
*Crazy KoK experiences... "I got the oil! Let's start anointing!"
*School bus rides (call me crazy-- I LOVED the school bus!)

Well, I think that's the list. Not exactly a top 10, but who cares :)

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Live from Messiah...

Hey folks! A real post!

It's been a while since I've done one of these. Why, you ask? Three letters. V.B.S.

VBS was last week, so I've been caught in the frenzy of planning, and VBS-ing. So, this may be a little rambly, but a lot happened last week and today as well. So... here's a numbered list of whats been going on.

1. VBS was a lot of fun. It was so nice to see everything come together so neatly. Many thanks to Tanya and Diana who have been meeting with me since January to plan and prepare.

2. I led our opening and closing each day for the elementary kids in VBS. I had a great time, because let's face it, I got to be silly and the kids thought it was cool, instead of dorky. And I got lots and lots of big hugs. One little girl came to VBS with her hair done like mine. Her mom said that she wouldn't leave the house till her hair was done like Miss Hannahs. I thought that was so cute.

3. God used me to help teach kids about the love of Jesus. My favorite day was Thursday--Jesus is Our Savior (Viva!) and we learned about Jesus death and resurrection. At closing, we handed out heart stickers and I held up a cross and said that if the kids wanted to they could put their heart on the cross to show that Jesus lived in their hearts, or they could take it home to tell others all about the love of Jesus. I have the heart-covered cross in my office as a reminder of these kids love of Jesus.

4. each day, one little boy, Bryan, came up to me would give me a big hug and say "Buenos Dias Miss Hannah Comomomo Mestas?" (his grandma said he practiced all night) It was adorable.

5. My mom and little sis were here and were able to help out and hang out with me. It was a lot of fun spending time with them. They also got to see me "in action" and could participate in the fun of VBS. We also went shopping! and mom and I saw the break-up which I highly recommend.

6. Today, we went to the food bank on our weekly summer service day. Last time, we bagged corn and this time we sorted cans for boxes. I was in charge of boxing the "meat" cans and came across these types of "meat"... mind you these are all canned: roast beef spread, potted meat food product, pork in natural juices, sardines in mustard, fancy plain sardines in olive oil, sardines in tomato sauce. I also came across a can of grapes. yummy. Overall it was fun and we helped provide almost 7,000 meals to hungry families of Oklahoma.

7. Summer officially started with VBS and is promising to pass quickly by with the middle school trip to St.Louis, 4th of July in Austin, Sattgast's wedding in South Dakota and stopping in KC to see B, Lindz and Sarah! and the National Lutheran Youth worker Conference in Orlando at the end of July, moving (again-ugh), and going home sometime in August. Summer ends officially for me with the junior high retreat at Lutherhoma in September. Whew!

Well that's all I can think of now, more later this week on other "deeper" topics

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

In a month...

In a month I get to see these people! I'm mucho excited!!
Hooray for Orlando!

I also get to see lots of other people, like K-dog :), Grace, Mel, Kendra, Susie?, etc. but I don't have all their pictures.

Monday, June 12, 2006

Why it's worth it

Kids putting their heart stickers on the cross showing that Jesus lives in their hearts.

Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Children's Message Bloopers Part Two

So, Kristy said I forgot the funniest part (which I didn't know until AFTER I wrote the first blog).
According to Pastor Henschel, the balloon floated up to the ceiling during the Nicene Creed "He ascended into heaven":)

So, after church some of our ushers rush to get a ladder and a pole and I find longer string. During the second service, I'm ready for the message to go off without a hitch... but it's like these children had NEVER SEEN A BALLOON BEFORE. They were like "What's that? WHOA THATS HIGH!! PULL THE STRING!! A BALLOON! OOOH" And I wasn't sure if it was better to jump from the train wreckage that was my second children's message and join in the oohing and ahhing or try to salvage it. So, I tried to salvage it... but the kids were so fascinated by the balloon, I just should have jumped when I had the chance:)

Sunday, May 28, 2006

Children's Message Bloopers

Well, kids, it's another episode of Children's message bloopers!

Today I was responsible for the children's message and the scripture lesson is Jesus Ascension to Heaven. Well, my pastor thought of a cool idea of getting a balloon to illustrate how Jesus went up to heaven and how we couldn't reach it, and that Jesus was coming back. So I think this is a good idea. Well I'm running late this morning so I grab my balloon and sneak it up front during the first hymn and secure it to the children's message "props" table leg. About 20 seconds before I'm supposed to go do my children's message, my balloon worked itself free and floated up to the top of our 80 foot ceiling and end of the string that's tied to it that looked so long in the walmart store is still about 20 feet above my head. Great. Oh well!

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

The Business of Busy-ness, Brokenness and Being 24

Everyone's heard of the phrase, the bigger they are the harder they fall. The reason it's cliche is because there's truth in it.

I think the same is true when it comes to spiritual walk--the bigger the pride, the harder the break. I've been contemplating the major differences from internship year to this year and I can only say that last year, I had nothing to rely on but God. Internship was an intensly lonely, challenging time, but it is probably the closest I have ever been to God. I think the vulnerability of the situation and my spirit led to a mold-able heart and life. Internship was a continual period of renewal and brokenness, but I can honestly say I never felt deserted, lost, or separated.

This year, from about October to May, I've felt like I've been wandering like the proverbial Israelite in this desert of pride and self-reliance (maybe they are one in the same), though I've always felt like I've been running, forcing myself to not break, not move, not budge any step closer to God.

I do know that during these past almost 8 months, that my focus has slipped and God no longer was a priority. Having friends became a form of Idolatry and I stumbled along keeping the peace, trying not to agitate, to not cause drama, to be an adult, and I failed on my own.

It took one week of the complete loneliness of last year plus the reminder that I didn't have the same relationship that I did last year with God to completely and totally break me.

And I broke hard. I've cried more these past few months than I have since Sophomore year (the psycho floor and RA days from hell). It took Pastor, John and Mike telling me that they'd seen me lose all my joy in my work and my calling. It took 2 more months of running after that even, avoiding the break until all was gone until my attention was finally gotten.

And here I am. Back at square one, but at peace and content. I have no idea whats going to happen in the next few months, but I'm back to trusting God that He's got it covered. I'm also learning to "praise the God that gives and takes away".

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

I wanna be just like spode!

Me--Two Years ago--seven days into internship

Me-now--well in December when B was here.

Guess I've changed too!

Sunday, May 14, 2006

On being 6

I think that I am grieving just a little.

A lot of things have happened these past 48 hours in this weekend, youth led worship, (in which Zach Ming read the word eunuch "EEE-nuk" and where Hannah almost had a coronary trying to get everything together Sunday morning), finding a rental house (YAY!), waking up at 7:30 on Saturday, amongst other things.

I took a stand for myself. Without going into details, it was a messy situation and I made the decision with a lot of prayer and support and advice from people I know and trust.

I know it was the right thing to do, but it seems like in the real world, in grownup life, the right choices bring just as many consequences as do the wrong choices. In fact, RIGHT choices sometimes seem harder than the wrong choices. Why is that?

That's one thing I miss about being 6 years old. Touch the stove, burn your hand. Eat a cookie without mom's permission, get sent to your room. Lie, get spanked; steal some m & m's, get your hand chopped off (oh wait, that's Islam).

Now it's not so easy. Sometimes right gets confused with wrong or it seems like no matter what you do, someone gets hurt, someone else gets dragged into the mess, someone else will be upset. And so I'm grieving. Grieving because it's been an emotional weekend, and a trying weekend, where I've doubted and cried and just generally felt lonely and sad and tired and lost. Is this how this is supposed to feel?

If only I could be 6 again.

Monday, May 08, 2006

A Song for the Mood

Hey all... not much to post, just a song by Barlow Girl that's been really speaking to my heart recently.

"I Need You To Love Me"

Why, why are You still here with me
Didn't You see what I've done?
In my shame I want to run and hide myself
But it's here I see the truth I don't deserve You

But I need You to love me, and I
I won't keep my heart from You this time
And I'll stop this pretending that I can
Somehow deserve what I already have
I need You to love me

I, I have wasted so much time
Pushing You away from me
I just never saw how
You could cherish me
'Cause You're a God who has all things
And still You want me
Your love makes me forget what I have been
Your love makes me see who I really am
Your love makes me forget what I have been

But I need You to love me, and I
I won't keep my heart from You this time
And I'll stop this pretending that I can
Somehow deserve what I already have
I need You to love me

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

The Strange Life of Hannah Louise...

Those of you that know me know that weird things have a tendency to happen to me. Dumpster dropped on my car junior year, falling and breaking my nose on stage senior year, other random stories that Julianna says can only happen to me. Well here's another one.

So I'm at Barnes and Noble this evening after work to get the book I had ordered and to pick up a couple other books. Well, I'm at the information counter, asking where I might find Sarah Vowell books and I notice in my side-vision that two girls keep looking over at me and whispering. So, I shrug my shoulders and head to find my book (which I think is fiction).

So I'm perusing the V-fiction section and am having no luck and all of a sudden whisper girl comes over and says. "Hi I just wanted to tell you that your skirt... (my skirt? is tucked in back? ripped? what?".... is really really pretty." I say thanks and that I was really worried that there was something wrong. The girl continued to ask where I got it, and how long ago. She then asks if I need help looking for my book. I say sure... guessing she's just friendly. I realize the book is not to be found in the V-fiction section so I say something to this overly-friendly girl that I need to go check for my book. Well. I go find out from the help desk lady that the book is in Essays(or S's what I thought she said... even after she spelled it. grr to accents). The help desk lady, then seeing my look of uncomprehension takes me over to the ESSAYS and I find the book (assassination vacation-by recommendation) I'm looking for. I perusing to see if I can find Megan Daum's book of S'S (har har) as well and the skirt complimenter is back! She asks if I found the book I was looking for and I say yes... .

And she continues to talk... she asks about books and such. I notice that she's reading "I kissed dating goodbye" which I read eons ago, which led to Josh McDowell who led a discussion on the da vinci code, which we talked about a little, then she started asking more questions such as what I do, where I went to school, etc. I'm starting to think maybe this girl is just friendly by nature, or crazy when she finally says... "well I'll let you go, but I did want to ask you if you were interested in earning some extra money through a home based christian business...." she rambles on about the business for a while and how great it is before asking me if I was interested. I tell her no and she says thanks, and disappears. So I go check out with my $65.00 worth of books with the experience of being "solicited" in the bookstore.


Lots of other things going on, but I thought this was blog-worthy.

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

"ESP?" or a "Shoutout to Schoepp's LA101 Class"

I'll try not to make this overly sappy, but I'm kind of in that mood, so, you've been forewarned.

Vicarage Placement (for pastors-to-be) was this Tuesday. It's surreal that friends of mine are now the ones getting placed. Vicars are supposed to be old. Pastors are supposed to adults, not my friends, not my age!

My very first seward friend from day 1 of freshmen year at CU, Michelle--her fiance was placed this week. He's going to Virginia. As their wedding is this summer, that means Michelle will be going with him.

I'd like to say that I was right. I was right!!! Let's travel down memory lane (cue memory lane music)

Freshmen year--6 YEARS ago, 5 of us DCE girls from Schoepp's (pronounced shep) LA101 (freshmen orientation) class, Michelle, Jamie, Jules, Robyn and myself, became instant friends. I consider Michelle and Robyn were my very first seward friends, and Jamie and Jules the best, truest friends I have. It all started with WOW Weekend (which stands forWeekend of Welcome Weekend... we're smart like that) and our theme song "love schoepp! baby love schoepp!"). We were probably pretty obnoxious. After the LA101 class was over, Jamie and I made the prediction that more than likely, Schoepp would split us up for internship in 3 years, joking that one of us would go to Alaska, one to Florida, one to the East coast, one to California or Texas/South, and one in the midwest somewhere because he couldn't handle having us any closer than that. However, we didn't really think we'd have anything to worry about since most internship placements were in the midwest in the areas of Iowa, Kansas and Missouri.

Fast Forward 3 years to our senior year. After four years of the ebb and flow of friendships, those friendships remained, despite boyfriends, and roommate changes, drama, and homework and one hellish RA experience. It was placement time. Even though the internship locations are kept secret, rumors spread quickly about spots all over the U.S. Placement night drew closer and closer. About two weeks before placement we heard that there was a site in Alaska, to which Jamie said "I can pack my bags with lots of winter clothes then!"

Saturday April 3, 3 days before Placement, Jamie and I are working at the lovely pac 'n save and she swings by the deli and says "I got a call from Tim (our placement director), I'm going to Alaska" I ask if he said that in his message and she said, "No... but I just know that's why he called. I just do. Don't ask me to explain it." So Jamie calls him back and finds out that yes, there is a site in Alaska and that Jamie would be perfect for it. Jamie says yes. That day as well, Robyn gets a call from Tim saying that they've found a good spot for her in Marquette, Michigan. Robyn says yes.

Placement Day April 6, 2004. Julianna, Michelle, and I are still awaiting placement. Finally, we get our spots. Julianna-Florida, Michelle-Nebraska, Me-Oklahoma (obviously). We joke that we were pretty close to our prophecy 3 years prior.

Internships are served. Jamie, Jules, Robyn and I all stayed at our sites. Michelle didn't take a call and moved back home so she could plan her wedding and be near her fiancé in St. Louis.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006. Jacob and Michelle are going to Virginia. East Coast.

Of us five, one's in Alaska, one's in Florida, one's on the east coast and one's in the Midwest and one's in the South.

I think I have ESP.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006


Where the wind comes sweepin' down the plains...

Well folks, we here in the "greater" OKC area (har har) had the first newsworthy storm of the season. I'll set the stage. My first ever Oklahoma "duck and cover" tornado event was quite the exciting one (almost as exciting as the time that I actually saw a tornado touch ground a mile north of my school in 6th grade).

Anyway, this evening, I was invited to a fundraising dinner for 4HIM ministries (a mission organization that helps train and send medical and building mission trips to almost 70 countries). Grant Johnston, meteorologist from NewsChannel4 was the MC. About halfway through the evening, we're told that it's a good thing we had Grant with us this evening because a tornado had been spotted in yukon (about 10 miles west and south of us) and that this major storm was heading east. We were told that we would need to stay here unless we could make it home in under 5 minutes or lived to the north, otherwise we'd need to stay and take shelter in the hotel's storm shelter. We were also asked to stay out of the halls of the hotel because the large plate glass windows could shatter if high winds or hail became a problem. So, everyone takes a quick peek out the window and sees that the sky has indeed turned that scary shade of green that means a storm is a-brewin'. At that point, an announcement asking all hotel guests to evacuate their rooms comes on over the loudspeaker, including "THIS IS NOT A DRILL." Great. So, anyway, we go into the storm shelter and wait for about 30 minutes before the storm passes while I call Jamie and she tells me not to die. :) Luckily, no tornado touched down near the hotel and everyone was safe, but it was quite the adventure while it was going on.

Welcome to Oklahoma, Hannah

Now to the more random part...

1. As it nears summer, my schedule is picking up immensly. Spring and Summer are the busy seasons for me, so I'm in the process of gearing up and getting prepared for the various trips.

2.Other things that have been happening? Well, lots. I met the former youthworker from LifeChurch (a mega church in the area) who gave me lots of good advice and suprisingly, wasn't concerned about the numbers, more that the youth in any group felt connected to each other and to Christ. He encouraged me and told me that I was doing a good job. Yay! I left our meeting feeling full... He gave me lots to think on and pray about and do.

3. In the past couple days, I've been thinking a lot about standards and singleness. I can't decide if I'm overly picky, or just uncompromising in my standards... Is either of them a bad thing? I also wonder if I am "profoundly and irreversibly screwed up" and am doomed to be a relational fool the rest of my life. I certainly hope not :).

4. I think the lovely Spode is quite possibly the funniest person I have ever met. Thank goodness for her wisdom, and her man-thinking brain or I would be sorely lost without her.

5. In all of this, I see myself growing up, which is terrifying and exciting all at the same time, yet I wonder when everything will all just fall into place. It just seems like these early-20's (almost mid-20's for Jess) ;) are not a fun time for lots of people. It's nice to know that I'm not the only one, but it's frustrating because I worry that this "suck" as I call it doesn't have a foreseeable end. However, I do think there are lots of fun parts of the growing up and I'm not sure that I would go back to college, high school, or junior high (yick yick yick). So, it can only get better from here.

Thursday, April 20, 2006

The Infinate Wisdom of Julianna

"Well that's great Hannah, but instead, you should just pretend like you're normal"

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Minding my J's and T's

Warning: vague blog alert!

Spode said I needed to tone down the panic in my voice of this blog. So here's my attempt. I'm excited in this new maybe something.

Well, it looks like the drought may be over. Hannah may have a date! However, in true Hannah fashion, I've spent the last 12 hours analyzing and overanalyzing scenarios in my head that may never happen. I get so weird with boys. I can seldom enjoy the place that I'm in because in my mind, I'm already picturing what happens when this? What happens when that?

A simple chocolate shake at Braum's is all that it takes to get my mind rolling forward. I start to think about what happens now.... what happens next week...

I am a deer in the headlights when it comes to potential relationships. I'm good at being casual about friendships until it becomes real and then I realize exactly where I am and what I've been doing and then this buzzer goes off in my brain "warning! warning! warning! this has gone too far too quickly! run away! run away!"

Because of this not being able to take one step without analyzing how the next 17 will go, I've developed a deep aversion for boys with J-names, pushy boys with J-names (and said J-Names probably shudder in terror when they think back on the emotional roller coaster I strapped them into). I also know that I don't communicate well when I'm in the panic mode. I shut down and instead of saying what I really need, what I really want, I choose to walk away because it's easier and it's safer.

My future husband's got a peice of work on his hands. Remind me to ask him how he got me not to freak out and run away.

That's all for now...

Sunday, April 09, 2006


Ever have one of those weeks where so much has happened that it all kind of blurs together like your paints in elementary school? I've had one such week. So here's what's going on or what's been going on the past couple weeks.

1. Going home was so much fun.... I got to see lots of people that I love and care about. Friday I got to hang out with Brit and Haarman, his cousin Lynn (who is also my cousin... that's the strange small world of Illinois) and Bethany. Spent a lot of time at the Seminary Library. Apparently, in the past two years that it's almost been since I've been out doing "real work", I've become something of a novelty... i have experience and wisdom and people are asking for my advice! It was kind of cool actually. And I got to spend time with my lovely Linz and Bethany in good ole So. Il. and we caught up on all the gossip, drank wine, and ate some really good chocolate... And Lindsey got to spend some quality time with some John Deere tractors (apparently, living in Seymour, Indiana has unearthed the farm girl in her) :). B and I were able to go to the Homewood Grill--now open for the summer season and spend some QT on the drive from STL. I also got DAIRY QUEEN! and Pizza Man extra thin crust pizza.. mmmm....

2. I love my family. I love my Dad (who made this cobra thingy for the musical he was just SOOO proud of... he wanted all sorts of pictures with it). I also got to spend lots of quality time with my mom too... who is becoming more of a friend than a parent and that' s nice. My sister, is still my angst-ridden teenager that I love. I've also realized that my brother is pretty amazing himself. Moving out of the house (even just for 6 months that he did) was probably the best thing for him. He's nicer and calmer and pretty darn awesome. I also got to see my Grampy and my cool Uncle Dale which made my trip. :)

3. The musical... amazing. People from OKC are tired of me singing "it was red and orange and yellow and green and purple and blue!" over and over, but what can I say.... I think in showtunes. :) It was a total blast from the past. I saw all sorts of people that were and are near and dear to me, Kaylie, Mrs. Conour, the Sainers, the Wagys, Wenthes and Blievernichts. I also have say that it was very very strange to see kids that I babysat in high school now in high school. Very very strange. I never felt older. Also, for your viewing pleasure, I brought back my state fair tape from senior year where I fell and broke my nose in front of 1000 people. Showings upon request.

4. These past few weeks have gone from drama to no drama to drama to no dram to drama... it's a bit like a roller coaster, but I think, for the most part, the drama's over. I think we're all learning lessons in adult-hood, how to talk and how to deal with people who hanle things differently than us. Sometimes it's good, other times it's not... but it's better.

5. I got some answers and some closure finally to a long, dramatic, friendship that has been a big part of my life for the past 3 years. Now I know what it really was and I'm ok with that.

6. Work's definately been crazy busy and I'm thankful for the support, kindness and love I have here at Messiah. I love the parents, my youth, my co-workers, and those people that have become like family to me.

7. I got to go to my very first Hornets game this weekend and they won! I was pumped. Linz, Bekah, Jess and I had a great time. Quote of the night "I just want to take a bite out of his shoulders!" (apparently, everyone was at the hornets game. I waved to the lovely Jessie Lippert from across the Ford Center.)

8. Another intern placement happened this week that made me nostalgic. It's been TWO years since I left school and it seems alternately a long time ago and not so long ago. Apparently, I'm also a legend. Whenever someone is sad about where they got placed they say "remember how Hannah cried about Oklahoma and ended up really liking it and staying?" (that is a great story)

9. There are lots of recent engagements and upcoming marriages and new relational developments that have kind of left me reeling. Even the lovely spode is giving online "dating" a try! Does this constitute a change in the terror alert system?

10. My shopaholism (is that a real word?) has gone into overdrive. I. Must. Stop. Shopping. Repeat. Don't let me buy another anything after Easter. Maybe I'll give up shopping for Pentacost (which is half a year).

11. I've lost the skill of word association. Tonight I said I was batting my eyebrows. Maybe it stems from my lack of journaling and writing.

12. Confirmation was today and made me emotional and proud. I'm so excited to have all the new 8th graders in high school.

13. Good reads: Wicked, and Vanishing Acts.

Well, that's all for this post. More later!


Wednesday, March 29, 2006


I've been struck with writer's block. A lot has happened in the month of March and a lot I want to talk about, but there's a lot I'm still processing. Still reeling from, really.

March was an emotional, stressful, lonely month. And I didn't notice it till people started telling me to smile, till in a meeting I was told that I'd seemed like I'd lost all my joy in what I was doing.

April's forecast is looking better (and MUCH better than last april), thank goodness.... It's funny that as I look back, it always seems like whatever big drama that's going to happen, happens in March or April. Maybe march madness is a state of mind. Does anybody else feel that way? That if anythings going to happen it's going to happen in a certain day or certain week like clockwork every year?

Sorry for the short post. I'll post more after I get back from my weekend at home in ILLINOIS! WOOT!

I am super pumped about that. Can you tell? :)

Sunday, March 19, 2006

Sand Castles

The foolish man built his house upon the sand, his house upon the sand, his house upon the sand
The foolish man built his house upon the sand and the rains came tumbling down
The rains came down and the floods came up
The rains came down and the floods came up
The rains came down and the floods came up
And the house on the sand went

When I was little, this was one of my favorite Sunday school, Vacation Bible school, summer revival-y songs. I remember thinking to myself, "what kind of person would actually build their house on sand!?! Of course it will wash away!" I didn't quite realize that Jesus was using the story as a teachable moment. There were those building castles in the sand, thinking the house they'd built would stand even if the winds came down and the floods came up.

I realized, this weekend, down in Dallas, that I'd built myself a nice little sand castle in oklahoma city. I'd gotten nice and comfortable, moved in and set up house right on the beach and now the wind and the rains are bearing down full force and it is crumbling all around me. More water spills in than I can cup or catch or block...

And I am heartbroken. Not only heartbroken, but my spirit is broken too. I'm so tired of pushing wet sand into irreperable holes, of biding my time and knowing I can do nothing but watch it fall.

I am watching this fall apart all around me, so tired of fighting to keep people that I consider closer than my family close to me, talking to me, wanting to be friends with me, wanting to spend time me. It feels like inevitable divorce....

And I am heartbroken. Simply heartbroken that there is nothing I can do or say to change it.

Lesson learned? I'll let you know when the castle's crumbled and I've begun construction on a new house somewhere safely away from the coast.

Thursday, March 16, 2006


As pointed out by the lovely spode who was worried I was going to crash head-first onto hard cement circus floor, I would like to make this edit. The letting go of the trapeze I referred to isn't about me diving headfirst into what would surely be a bone-crushing fall, but about letting go of stress, drama, mess, and my "control" over situations in general and letting God handle them.

Maybe I should have given up drama for lent. :)

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Trapezes and Tightropes

Did you ever want to run away and join a circus? I imagine that if you wait long enough, the circus comes to you, puts you in a sparkly unitard and throws you into the act. That's what I feel like has been happening to me recently.

My life is full of tightropes and trapezes. I've been walking this tightrope for months now with all this drama that's been going on and is still going on in my life. I'm afraid to get my feelings hurt and to hurt others, of offending one person by trying not to offend someone else.... so I just continue to deal with it, to walk along, arms out, but I am terrible at balancing so I'm wavering from side to side, overcorrecting and readjusting with each step. I want very badly to be on the other side, but unforutnately, I don't see it, so I keep plugging along, step after shaky step.

The worst thing? There's no safety net if I fall. Just circus floor.

And then as if the tightrope weren't enough, I'm a performer for the fabulous flying trapeze act. And believe me, I don't fly through the air with the greatest of ease. I just kind of swing back and forth on the one instead of reaching out to the guy on the trapeze across from me. No great leaps of faith for me. No sirreee. I'll just hang here until someone gets a ladder for me to climb down on. Well, my arms are getting tired and I've lost my momentum and no one is pulling me back to the podium so I can climb down. So, I'm hanging here, feeling lost and confused and alone, feeling like I've run out of options, and wishing I could have done something easier like pile in with 27 other clowns into my vw bug.

And here's the kicker: I know why I'm scared to take the leap off the trapeze, why I have this deep "bone ache" of loneliness inside me, why I feel like I'm one step from falling off the tightrope. Jamie talked about it in her blog, "The funny part is that I know precisely why I feel empty and it's not because I don't have friends... it's because my relationship with God has fallen by the wayside. I know what to do it's just a matter of doing it and honestly I think I'm just a wee bit scared of jumping right in. I miss Him and I want Him to be at the forefront of my mind everyday... I guess I'm just procrastinating on starting a routine with Him."

I know that the circus won't just disappear, but I do know that I can make it across the tightrope if only I were to return to God's Word and begin to listen to His voice and let him handle my worries instead of trying to handle it on my own. What a difference it would make in my relationships if my relationship with God was right! But first, I have to learn to let go of my trapeze, of all the worries that are plaguing me, of this comfortable spot that I'm in, and to be honest, I'm terrified. I'm so used to living this way, that this worry and this stress has become like a pet to me. I'm not sure what it's like to live without it. So, I willingly sit in this pain and this mess because I'm comfortable, because I've convinced myself I like it this way--even though if I were to allow myself to take a closer look I'd see how unhappy I really am. Instead, like all good circus performers, I've painted on a garish fake smile, but I miss the me that was truly happy, the me that didn't need a fake smile.

So here I am, hanging.

Maybe letting go of the trapeze isn't such a bad idea.

Monday, March 13, 2006

Spring is here!

I love Spring and I love the fact that spring comes early in Oklahoma. That said, I don't have much to say, just a need to write.

The past couple of days have been some of those busy fulfilling days that reminds me just how much I love my job. Spring break is giving me lots of opportunities to spend time with my youth and in the words of Jessie Lippert "i'm pretty sure" I love it.

Last night at coffee shoppe we had 8 youth! (a record I think!) Just enough for a rousing game of sequence (mixed in with lots of table talk, sarcasm and "code"). Good times all around.
This morning 7 kids came with me to the foodbank (7 more than I had expected!) We spent 2 hours this morning bagging corn. This was kind of challenging, and we looked oh so cool in our nifty little hairnets and matching aprons. Over all we bagged about 600 pounds of corn over all which is the equivalent of about 850 meals. I never... never... want to see that much corn again.

After the foodbank we had lunch at chili's and had a good time and it looks like the girls have picked up where Zach Ming left off in picking up boys for me (as did the girls yesterday with the Concordia acapella choir "HANNAH WE INVITED CUTE BOYS FOR YOU!!!" --boys that happen to be my friend's younger brothers...awkward). After chili's I played a couple rounds of sequence with jessie and ace. Then later, met Ace for a movie--Aquamarine. Ok movie, hokey, good parts, some decent acting... it would have been GREAT if I were about 9--but not a bad choice for a monday night movie (Where I had to pay $8.50! b/c I couldn't very well lie and use my student id. Oh well... it's matinees with the old people and toddlers from now on!)

Good quotes from today:


"It's not called gymnicestics"

hope your week is going well!

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

As Requested...

I've been thinking a lot about growing up recently and I think that I'm having growing pains (unlike Jess who is having shrinking pains).

This week has contained a plethora (oooh a big word!) of unpleasant(and some not so unpleasant) things that have needed to be dealt with.

1) Going to the DMV to become a legalized Okie (yes, I know that I've lived here 18 months, but I didn't need an Oklahoma license while I was an intern and I had my illinois car under my parents name till November, so technically I'm not as bad as one might assume). Suprisingly though, my picture was good so that's a plus... I will willingly be carded now b/c I actually look female in this picture.

2)Paying my deliquent pikepass (and my 5 cent toll evasion). (Yes, I evaded a toll in true hannah fashion... I didn't mean too... I mean, was it my fault that the machine only took exact change and I had $1.00 a quarter and 5 pennies and the machine didn't take pennies? so, I sat there contemplating which was the lesser of two evils, jamming the toll machine with the dollar bill and breaking the machine, paying the quarter, getting a toll evasion notice, or backing out of the lane all the way back to the street. I paid the quarter and then went in and paid my nickel).

3)Getting my taxes prepared (and paying for last years including fees--no I didn't file my taxes last year, completely my fault, tried to file online but didn't have the right information, forgot, tried again later, failed and did nothing. Yes, stupid.)

4) Paying extra on my credit card (woot to hopefully someday being debt-free!!)

5) Going out on a limb and meeting new people (meeting people as a churchworker tends to brand you--you wear your morality as a badge and it can cause people to be weary around you until they realize you're normal just like them. That you have a job just like them. That you're just you're a basic 24 year old female just like everyone else.) I went to a Bible study all on my own and had a good time and am going back next week! look at me being outgoing! woot!

6) Asking friends to set me up with their friends. To see what happens.

7)Cutting up my credit cards... that one physically hurt. My breath got short and I spent the next few minutes putting it back together... like a puzzle!

8) Realizing that some things are slipping and sliding out of my control and I can't change it so I just have to deal with it.

I hate being a grown-up. I'm finding that each day there's some new grown-up test to take it seems like and a lot of them have to do with my own personal accountability, my own credibilty. Being a grown-up is taking care of things whether you like them or not. I feel like I'm daily being stretched and pulled and changed and molded in so many different ways. I wonder what's happening in my near future that all this is happening now. Well that's all I've got tonight folks.


Sunday, February 26, 2006

Beating around the Bush

Mood: Pensieve

A couple of people told me that my blog is a little bit vague. That it talks about a lot but at the same time nothing. That it's "sometimes difficult to get a straight answer out of" Or that it's used to be a "double edged sword that are always more about someone else than they are about you.”

Maybe it is. Maybe it isn't. I do know that it's hard to walk the fine line between letting this be my cathartic (that's for you Jess!) and making people upset by what they read (especially if I'm upset or sad or confused when i'm blogging and if it concerns them). This isn't my diary with a lock, but it is one of my forms of self-expression. Let me be vague! Let me dance around the point! Let me beat around the bush!

For once though, there's no bush, there's no "double edge sword" there's no deep well of thought. This is just me and you may never read it because I may never post it because then I'd be vulnerable and I Hate that. Capital H Hate that.

I don't know if it was Grey's or drama of the past week or the fact that change is coming but I'm sad, I'm lonely, and I'm so so sick of being an adult. I'm sick of making decisions. I'm sick of dreading unevitable talks. I'm sick of being mature. I'm sick of responsibility.

Someone told me last week that I was exceptionally mature for my age and I laughed until I realized they were serious. I wanted to say "me?! Exceptionally mature?! Ha! Me??" I have this fear that people that think that I'm mature are going to someday "Catch me out" and find out that all the glitter and gloss of this "mature" me is just me playing dress-up, wearing my mother's shoes clomping along and trying not to fall.

If I were mature wouldn't I embrace change? Wouldn't it make me happy instead of make me sad? Instead, with everything that's happening I just feel sad, and the finality I feel (that inevetiably comes with change) just makes me want to cry. The kind of cry where you sit on someone's couch or your dad's lap and cry. I think maybe it's a girl thing. Wow I sound depressing.

This pensieve mood I've been in has also set me to longing. Longing to fall in love, to be able to go home to my husband, to just have that someone that understands me and that is here that has my ring on his finger. But then there's this part of me that says "something is better than the nothing you have right now" and that part longs for the drama of the familiar of what I had, what I've walked away from, what I've gone back to, what I know isn't good for anyone involved (ok, so i'm being a little vague). But I also know that isn't what the "mature me", the me I want to be wants.

One of my favorite songs for times like these is Sara Groves "painting pictures of egypt". I feel like I'm in the middle of this change, doing this I wouldn't necessarily do, taking accountability, being the mature me more and more often, but still looking back thinking "that was fun", but turning around isn't an option anymore because "the places that used to fit me cannot hold the things I've learned. Those roads were closed off to me, while my back was turned"

Hope you enjoyed it. Does anyone else feel this way?

Sunday, February 19, 2006

Winter wonderland

Winter has finally arrived in Oklahoma City! Saturday I woke up to a phone call from Pastor saying our Church council retreat had been cancelled so that meant 1)I could sleep in from my late night friday and 2) I had a free saturday (unheard of for me!). So after a couple more hours of sleeping in, I rolled out of bed, lazed around for a while, did my laundry, cleaned my bedroom, living room kitchen and bathroom, vaccuumed, got some free sonic :), ran to walmart with linz, got some snacks, talked to jess for a while, watched a couple movies, played some sequence and had a good old fashioned sleepover with linz. It was like a school snow day back in the day... school unexpectedly canceled and i didn't have to do a darn thing!

Saturday, February 18, 2006

Living Vicariously

Maybe it's just the cards that are dealt me, but it seems like I'm always living through someone. Someone else's drama, their relationship, their stress, their whatever, it doesn't seem like it happens to me. It doesn't seem like there are even any blips on the radar for new and exciting things, so i continue to live vicariously through the lives of my friends.

I want something exciting to happen in my life.

I want to take spontaneous trips to places like England, New Zealand, India, South Africa.
I want to meet new people.
I want to take some risks like getting a tatoo or skydiving or dying my hair blue.
I want to fall in love.
I want to not have to worry about a budget or managing my money correctly or paying off debt.
I want a hand to hold.
I want to test my limits, go a little crazy.

Is that allowed?

Sunday, February 12, 2006

In the realm of my family

This week I got to see my mom! In that past two years especially we've been able to become friends instead parent and child and I have to say that I like it. Yes, she drives me crazy sometimes with her "when are you going to get yourself a man?" speeches and her "call me when you get home and your door is locked" worries, but I still love her.

I also love my family--not just my immediate family but my extended family as well (all of my aunts, uncles, cousins, second cousins, third cousins, etc. etc.), because in the realm of my family I make sense. Not that I think I'm crazy outside of my family, but that my family gives me a place where I fit. I know where I get my laugh (from my mom) where I got my nose (my mom's cousin kenny has the same nose that I do) and why I act the way I do, and why I am the way I am and why I have the peace that I only experience when I'm home in Southern Illinois (it runs through my blood--I can't help it!).

I love my big family, our big family holidays and reunions and the fact that everyone minus a few (including myself) all live within an hour of each other. Apparently I'm more of a country girl than I thought. :)

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Growing Up and Getting Old

I was thinking last night about what it means to be a grown-up and here's some things I came up with. Feel free to add some of your own.

Growing up is:

1) Learning how to not overspend on what you make
2)Realizing that letting go is sometimes harder than trying to make things work.
3)Having as good a time (or better) with no alochol (and that just because I can legally drink doesn't mean I have to:)).
4)Understanding that even if it's the right person but the timing is wrong, it's not the right person.
5) Learning to love is scary, dangerous and makes you emotional.
6)Knowing that sometimes you have to handle a problem head-on even if it's messy and complicated.
7)Being patient and knowing that things don't always get solved on your time.
8)Letting yourself cry in front of someone you trust is harder than being "strong".
9) Knowing what limits are and how to use them.
10)Trusting that your friends know what they're talking about.
11)Building a new safety net in a new place.
12)Making where you live your home.
13)Learning to enjoy being single and learning how to live alone and like it.
14)Realizing that I'm not in college anymore and 2:00 am amigos runs aren't necessarily wise (or good for the hips).
15)Knowing that people count on me to do my job so I need to do it.
16) Realizing there's no grade system in this grown-up world.
17) Growing into a mature faith walk--one without the bells and whistles, but a quiet companionship.
18)Being the person that buys conditioner or groceries and takes out the trash.
19) Realizing you can't change a person, but you can change how you deal with the person.
20) Understanding there's nothing wrong with silence or change.

Monday, February 06, 2006

Changs and Quakes... oh my!

A lot has happened in the past couple days so I'll just do a brief update of what's been going on:

After work, Bek, Jess, Lindz and myself got all pretty to head out to PF Changs for my birthday celebration dinner. I had a blast and our waiter was great... i must say that I was impressed with how much we girls could eat (lettuce wraps, spring rolls, wontons, mongolian beef, orange beef, honey chicken, moo goo gai pan, changs spicy chicken, 2 things of cheesecake and a great wall of chocolate). i'm suprised we could walk. I'm also super excited about my present. The girls got me a basket full of goodies for an at home pedicure (along with a gift card for a pedi at beauty brands. score!) Overall the night was a lot of fun. Jess is planning on launching a singing career in which bek and i will be backup dancers.

Favorite quotes from the evening:

"I'll call myself J-E-S squared!"
"You don't have to have morals if it's imaginary!"

Overall, the night was great and I felt so loved :). so thanks girls!


Never... repeat... never... underestimate junior high boys. (both for good and evil).

This weekend was youth quake and myself along with 4 other parents were able to take 7 girls and 9 middle school age boys to youth quake in Wichita, Kansas (woot). I had so much fun and if it's one thing i learned this weekend is that middle school boys are at the age where they need to test the boundaries. In safe environments they need to see where and how far they can push. I learned to pick my battles and feel better equipped for our next big middle school adventure and youth quake next year.

My favorite moments of the weekend I think came after campfire on Saturday night. For those of you that don't know, campfire is a time of winding down and worshipping before we go and do family time.

Saturday night after a day of chasing down the boys, coralling them into sessions and keeping them in the main sessions (it really is like having 9 2 year olds!), I was exhausted and my patience was more than a little thin. I was thankful that when I sat down they were a) all accounted for and b) away from the water cooler and styrofoam cups (which they had been making tiny little holes in all weekend so that cups would leak when people filled them up--i guess the temptation was just too much).

I noticed a couple of things that night at campfire... and realized some things about myself.

One of the older boys, Kyle, had really started to distance himself from the other 8th grade boys. I think (though he'd never admit it) that he was tired of them. During campfire, he another boy, Cole, sat apart from the other boys. I also noticed that they really got into it and at one point, during one of the songs, that kyle was crying (like a man cry--trying to hide the fact that he was doing so).

During the song, I could sing of your love forever, I got all emotional, and started to cry because I love these kids so much and I realized that the reason that the frustrated me so much was because I want so much for them to take something from the weekend, for their faith to take root and grow and when they don't seem to care it seems like a personal affront. So i had a nice little cry (which is becoming typical on youth weekends--this loving your kids is emotionally taxing). During family time that evening, we went around the circle and the kids and adults shared what had impacted them the most over the course of the day. So when it got to my turn, I said that campfire had impacted me the most and then hannah got teary-eyed and the choked up crying voice thing that I hate (and probably the oprah ugly cry) and told them i loved them and thta i wanted them so much to take the message they were trying to teach them and let it work in their lives. Then after we'd gone around in a circle, we did a popcorn prayer and was so suprised to hear the kids voluntarily pray (i had expected silence). i was blown away. After that, things seemed to go much better with the boys. (Plus i think it also helped that I let them dump Buckets and buckets of ice into the 8th grade girls room --which was also my room--to get them back for the shaving cream they squirted on them.)

All in all the weekend was good and I think i love my kids even more and appreciate them more than at the beginning of the weekend :)

Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Happy Birthday Tooooooooooooo Meeeeeeeeee...

Well... it's official. I turned old. That's right, almost a quarter of a century. 24. whoo! (and apparently old enough that my dad had to ask how old I was when I talked to my parents on the phone tonight).

My birthday was rung in officially with a call from Jamie J at one in the morning just so she could be the first person to wish me a happy birthday:). Overall, thanks to birthday wishes on facebook, aim, TWO birthday posts from my friends kristy and the very lovely spoda and my favorite from the wonderful first graders who sang me a birthday rap after I taught religion for them, work flew by.

The rest of the day passed without fanfare or the dreaded birthday spankings (which I did receive from my aunt barb at the age of 19... after she chased me out to my car!) and that was ok. I read and relaxed in my new grownup bedroom (which I just love), and watched some tv.

Overall, not a bad birthday and with the promise of pf changs on thursday this week is definately looking up:).

Thanks to all who made me feel loved today.

Saturday, January 28, 2006

me and lindz Posted by Picasa

Thursday, January 26, 2006

In the words of Vanilla Ice...

"If there was a problem, yo I'll solve it..."

In light of recent events, I've realized something about myself. I'm a "fix the problem at hand" kind of girl. Especially with relationships (friendships, family, friend's family, family's friend.. you get the idea). If there's something wrong, it makes sense to me to take care of it right away. If it can't be fixed, then you call it quits. You say that you're done. Cut your losses. Burn that bridge. Hang up your hat. Stop while you're ahead. Get while the getting's good. (Insert more cliches here). This usually works, in theory (at least in my head it does) until something comes up that can't be solved right away.

Example: My beloved alaska-land friend has been seeing this boy off an on for about a year...ish. Way back at the beginning, she was telling me the boy woes and instead of listening, I started giving advice... like "just fix the problem!" Well it prolonged and prolonged and soon all I could focus on was the problem, this mullet-man in Alaska. It affected my friendship with Jamie because whenever i would talk to her, all I could ever think about was this mess, this unresolved problem, even though it was HER problem, HER life. And she was taking care of things, just not in the way I would have... therefore that was wrong. :) Thankfully things have gotten better, and I've learned to let go of something I have no control over and know that things will work themselves out in due time, even if it's not on MY time.:)

It does make me wonder what it is about me that says, "if I can't fix the problem right now, i'm walking!" and what is it about me that can only focus on the problem at hand until it can ulitmately ruin friendships?

Part of it, I realized is that I like things to have a clear definition. Boundaries. Rules. "this friend and i do this. this person and I have this." When things get muddled or a problem arises--one that requires time for it to solve itself or isn't even my problem but affects me indirectly, I don't know how to be a friend anymore until the problem rights itself. My place in that particular relationship doesn't have a boundary and so I waver somewhere between nothing and something.

Spoda says I'm searching for homeostasis--this need for balance in my life.... like walking into a room that is too hot and turning on the air conditioner. Most of the relational problems in my life come from finding that the room is too hot and the air conditioner is broken and all I can do is keep trying to fix the broken air conditioner instead of pouring myself a glass of water and dealing with it. It even irks me more if someone else is complaining about the broken air conditioner and it turns out that all it needed was to be plugged in but they refused to do it.

Spoda also said this, "When life gives you lemons...some complain, some make lemonade even though they wanted tea, and Hannah attempts in vain to make grape juice."

This need for homeostasis in my life is not necessarily bad, but it is eye-opening. It's revealing that I handle problems in this way. I want the most effective way to solve the problem, an effective strategy, a clear cut line, but life isn't always clean cut, life is messy. This is where i struggle. I'm passing out from heat exhaustion trying to fix the air conditioner instead of drinking some water, calling a repairman and having him come anywhere from 10-7 the next day and fixing it.

My goal? to learn to make lemonade from lemons and put grape juice on my grocery list :).

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

For the Times When I Feel Faint

Am I at the point of no improvement?
What of the death I still dwell in?
I try to excel, but I feel no movement.
Can I be free of this unreleasable sin?

Never underestimate my Jesus.
You're telling me that there's no hope.
I'm telling you your wrong.
Never underestimate my Jesus
When the world around you crumbles
He will be strong, He will be strong

I throw up my hands"Oh, the impossibilities"
Frustrated and tired
Where do I go from here?
Now I'm searching for the confidence I've lost so willingly
Overcoming these obstacles is overcoming my fear

Never underestimate my Jesus.
You're telling me that there's no hope.
I'm telling you your wrong.
Never underestimate my Jesus
When the world around you crumbles
He will be strong, He will be strong

I think I can't, I think I can't
But I think you can, I think you can
I think I can't, I think I can't
But I think you can, I think you can
Gather my insufficiencies and
place them in your hands, place them in your hands, place them in your hands

For the Moments I Feel Faint
Relient K

I've been feeling a touch overwhelmed--so this is my comfort song for the week.

Monday, January 23, 2006

And I shall call it...

Maude :) The name of my ipod. So now both my car and my ipod have fussy old lady names. Wonder what that says about me?

On being labeled and life in general

For those of you unfamiliar, Journey in January is a retreatat Camp Lutherhoma for High schoolers that's led and planned by other high schoolers . The best part (for me) about the trip is that I as an adult can participate in a group just for adults. I can talk about my church, my youth group and other stuff freely and not feel like I'm stepping on toes or stepping out of bounds.

The theme for Journey this year was "unlabeled". Friday night they asked us to get into our groups. We were given a green shirt.

During Bible study the first night we were told to write labels that people had given us onto our shirts. I had a ton. I never realized. Some were good. Like "clean" or "girly" (which i wrote and put a flower next to :)). Others weren't as good. "Like "anal retentive" or "young" (as in, "too young to be in charge of a group of high schoolers/middle schoolers/have a college education/know what I'm doing" young).

The high school groups did that too. Talk about brave. I was pretty tame with my labels on my shirt, but some kids weren't afraid to write them all like "gay," "fag" "lesbian" "stoner" "snob" "*itch" (we're at a church retreat--no cursing) :). It was pretty powerful.

The next day we were asked to put the labels we call ourselves and if we had some we didn't want others to see to put them on the inside. I had about 7 or 8 of them, mostly negative. Three hidden on the neckline of my shirt. At this point, I hated that stupid shirt. Hated that I was supposed to wear it or carry it with me wherever I went. It felt heavy with the labels I'd been called or called myself. I knew that I didn't want to take the shirt home, didn't want to wear it, didn't really want it anymore. More importantly, I didn't want anyone to see it. I didn't want anyone to know what I called myself, what others called me. (That's why I wrote my names on the back of the shirt and around the shoulders. Then it could be covered up.)

We were told before our saturday night activity to make sure and have our shirts. So I brought my shirt with me down to the campfire area where they had constructed a huge cross that we had sprayed our small group names on earlier that day. We were told that we had defiled the cross and that it needed to be covered. So we were sent on a hunt to find something that would cover it. At this point, I knew that we wouldn't find anything, but went along with it anyway. Finally after finding some tiny pieces of cloth, we were told to bring all of the cloth we'd found, all of our small group decorations and the green shirt that I Hated back to the cross.

At this point all the groups met back together and sitting by the fire pit was "Jesus" (one of the camp counselors "played" Jesus for lack of a better word). We didn't speak, we didn't make any noise (none of the 150-200 kids spoke at all) and we were told to follow our small group leader's example. We took all of our decorations, our shirts, our labels, our insecurities and piled them up on top of Jesus. It didn't take long for all of our stuff to make a huge pile that simply buried him.
We sang a song there at the cross and said prayers in our small group.

The next morning, at first word (down by the river again) we saw the cross we'd defiled covered in white cloth. It was quiet. So I sat facing the river and there was Jesus-dressed in white walking towards us on a sandbar. It was powerful. He didn't speak. He just walked out. Victorious over the labels that we'd buried him under.

I must admit that I wasn't terribly excited about going to Journey. The week leading up to it had been stressful and busy and I really wanted a weekend off! But I was glad to that I went. Beyond that, i've been thinking alot about the labels that I wear, the labels others wear and how it affects ministry and I've realized (or re-realized) some things since then.

*the only name that matters, the only label that sticks is the one that names us--all of us as God's loved child. A child that He sent his son to die for so that we wouldn't have to live a life burdened by the labels that sin places on us. I need to act with patience and love towards those around me because I might just see someone who is hurting, someone who needs to know and understand God's love and grace to them.

*I don't want to ever get comfortable, to lose the wonder of what Christ has done for me. Before Journey, I'd lost some of that wonder in the stress and the turmoil of life and work. The physical act of my laying my labels, my sins, my insecurities onto Jesus renewed that wonder... especially knowing that God's love is bigger and more fulfilling than any of the labels I place on myself.

*As we left camp, renewed and refreshed and energized, there was a sign that said "welcome to the journey" that reminded me that there's still a long way to go, a lot of people still hurt, and a lot of youth in my church that need to hear the message of God's love and grace--a love that loves beyond labels.

Welcome to the Journey.

Monday, January 16, 2006

Me, Myself and I

My good friend spode did a 5 random things about me post and I decided to do one myself... only I have more than 5. So here goes...

Random things you wanted to know about Hannah
Things you didn't want to know but now know about Hannah
1. My current favorite snack is Snickers Ice Cream with Pretzels... and before you say that's gross... try it, it'll change your life I swear!

2. I read a book or two every week. Mostly fiction. I have some books I have read over 50 times I'm sure.

3. Some people have comfort food. I have comfort music and comfort books. My current comfort songs? Head over Feet (acoustic version) by Alanis Morrisette and Champagne High by Sister Hazel. My comfort books? Witch of Blackbird Pond by Elizabeth George Spear or Spring's Gentle Promise by Jeanette Oke (please don't mock me for the second choice!)

4. I have a process that I go through every time I leave for a trip. Sleep in if it's a Friday, be lazy for a couple hours. Pack (that has an order too, but I won't bore you...much more), make my bed, Load and run the dishwasher, take out the trash, and clean up my living space (bedroom/living room/kitchen). If it's a work event that i'm going on, that puts me at work at about 1:30-2 to finish up trip stuff before I go on the trip.

5. I don't do well with things I can't control... especially if it affects me or my friends and I can't fix it.

6. I've recently re-discovered the joy of cooking and find that I'm decent at it.

7. I can't not shower.... If for some reason, I don't shower, I spend the whole day feeling like I smell and like I'm filthy from head to toe. I also have to wear clothes clothes to run errands (jeans and a t-shirt is about as casual as I get to running to walmart... I think once in my recent memory--like back in july--I wore basketball shorts/tshirt and flipflops and felt so sloppy I couldn't shop effectively).

8. I took the DH quiz and I am Bree (which is no suprise to most people who watch the show and know me)

9. I like to shop. Alot. But contrary to popular belief, I'd rather shop for other people. Then it's not my money. If I'm shopping for myself, I'd rather go by myself. I'm also a very picky shopper when it comes to buying for myself. Jamie teases me about the money I spend on clothes, but I don't really have that many and that's because I'd rather spend more money on less clothes that last than clothes that don't fit after the first or second time you wash them.

10. In the past few months I have gotten a new work computer, a new cell phone (a razr!), new car (my lovely bett e. bug!), and a new ipod (which may or may not get named). I am officially technologied out.

11. I have a three-wear rule with new clothes. Don't ask to borrow a shirt that I just bought until you've seen me wear it three times. I think that's also why I don't buy clothes too often or stick to more classic things. I have to decide in the store whether or not I can make good use (can I wear it three times in three different ways?) of a shirt/pants, etc before I will buy it.

12. I've been delegated as the communicator between friends. I like to have friends... even if they're far away and I like to keep up with them and their lives. So I'm usually the one with all the info on everyone.

13. I'm going through a pink phase and Jamie says I've turned girly since college.

14. I cleaned my office and "exorcised" it of stuff left behind. Next: Pictures and candles to take over to make it mine :) (and yes probably girly).

15. I would rather communicate by Email/Aim/Facebook/Text than by telephone to conduct "business". I usually only call friends... and only a couple of those consistently.

16. I have old woman knees. Thank you mom!

17. I am competitive. Games aren't fun unless you play to win. I annoy people with my competitiveness. The only game I consistnetly play and know that I'll lose at is Scrabble and that's because I think Scrabble is more strategy than the words you play and therefore, if I can conquer the board I could win!!

18. I have picked up a southern Drawl. Words like "fixin'" and "Ya'll" have been known to come out of my mouth unknowingly. Yikes. My worst southern drawl moment? "We're fixin' to go bowlin'" ouch. Where is my snobby yankee accent hiding?

19. Some afternoons when I'm off, I like to grab lunch and drive around. After lunch with a friend a couple weeks ago, I took about 2/1/2 hours to get home because I was exploring OKC in my trusy bett e. bug.

20. I like to write. journal. stories. poetry. But you'll probably never get to read it except for what I post here, b/c It's pretty personal and I'm scared you'll tell me its bad:)

Well there's 20 things you didn't know about me but you now know! Hope you enjoyed this segment! More about Journey in January next post!