Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Trapezes and Tightropes

Did you ever want to run away and join a circus? I imagine that if you wait long enough, the circus comes to you, puts you in a sparkly unitard and throws you into the act. That's what I feel like has been happening to me recently.

My life is full of tightropes and trapezes. I've been walking this tightrope for months now with all this drama that's been going on and is still going on in my life. I'm afraid to get my feelings hurt and to hurt others, of offending one person by trying not to offend someone else.... so I just continue to deal with it, to walk along, arms out, but I am terrible at balancing so I'm wavering from side to side, overcorrecting and readjusting with each step. I want very badly to be on the other side, but unforutnately, I don't see it, so I keep plugging along, step after shaky step.

The worst thing? There's no safety net if I fall. Just circus floor.

And then as if the tightrope weren't enough, I'm a performer for the fabulous flying trapeze act. And believe me, I don't fly through the air with the greatest of ease. I just kind of swing back and forth on the one instead of reaching out to the guy on the trapeze across from me. No great leaps of faith for me. No sirreee. I'll just hang here until someone gets a ladder for me to climb down on. Well, my arms are getting tired and I've lost my momentum and no one is pulling me back to the podium so I can climb down. So, I'm hanging here, feeling lost and confused and alone, feeling like I've run out of options, and wishing I could have done something easier like pile in with 27 other clowns into my vw bug.

And here's the kicker: I know why I'm scared to take the leap off the trapeze, why I have this deep "bone ache" of loneliness inside me, why I feel like I'm one step from falling off the tightrope. Jamie talked about it in her blog, "The funny part is that I know precisely why I feel empty and it's not because I don't have friends... it's because my relationship with God has fallen by the wayside. I know what to do it's just a matter of doing it and honestly I think I'm just a wee bit scared of jumping right in. I miss Him and I want Him to be at the forefront of my mind everyday... I guess I'm just procrastinating on starting a routine with Him."

I know that the circus won't just disappear, but I do know that I can make it across the tightrope if only I were to return to God's Word and begin to listen to His voice and let him handle my worries instead of trying to handle it on my own. What a difference it would make in my relationships if my relationship with God was right! But first, I have to learn to let go of my trapeze, of all the worries that are plaguing me, of this comfortable spot that I'm in, and to be honest, I'm terrified. I'm so used to living this way, that this worry and this stress has become like a pet to me. I'm not sure what it's like to live without it. So, I willingly sit in this pain and this mess because I'm comfortable, because I've convinced myself I like it this way--even though if I were to allow myself to take a closer look I'd see how unhappy I really am. Instead, like all good circus performers, I've painted on a garish fake smile, but I miss the me that was truly happy, the me that didn't need a fake smile.

So here I am, hanging.

Maybe letting go of the trapeze isn't such a bad idea.


Jess said...

I hope you know that if you ever need to talk, or cry, or yell, or just sit in silence, I'm here for you. I want you to be happy and fulfilled, and I'll do whatever I can to make things better.

I think it's time that you--and I--stop worrying about hurting others and start looking out for ourselves. Sure, it's selfish. But if we're not happy, what good are we to anyone. Speak your mind, stand up for yourself, and take care of you first!

Jamie said...

Jess... I mean Bekah... I mean Jess :) is right Hannah Louise! And I should take that advice too-- how can we make anyone else happy if we can't make ourselves happy?