Sunday, February 26, 2006

Beating around the Bush

Mood: Pensieve

A couple of people told me that my blog is a little bit vague. That it talks about a lot but at the same time nothing. That it's "sometimes difficult to get a straight answer out of" Or that it's used to be a "double edged sword that are always more about someone else than they are about you.”

Maybe it is. Maybe it isn't. I do know that it's hard to walk the fine line between letting this be my cathartic (that's for you Jess!) and making people upset by what they read (especially if I'm upset or sad or confused when i'm blogging and if it concerns them). This isn't my diary with a lock, but it is one of my forms of self-expression. Let me be vague! Let me dance around the point! Let me beat around the bush!

For once though, there's no bush, there's no "double edge sword" there's no deep well of thought. This is just me and you may never read it because I may never post it because then I'd be vulnerable and I Hate that. Capital H Hate that.

I don't know if it was Grey's or drama of the past week or the fact that change is coming but I'm sad, I'm lonely, and I'm so so sick of being an adult. I'm sick of making decisions. I'm sick of dreading unevitable talks. I'm sick of being mature. I'm sick of responsibility.

Someone told me last week that I was exceptionally mature for my age and I laughed until I realized they were serious. I wanted to say "me?! Exceptionally mature?! Ha! Me??" I have this fear that people that think that I'm mature are going to someday "Catch me out" and find out that all the glitter and gloss of this "mature" me is just me playing dress-up, wearing my mother's shoes clomping along and trying not to fall.

If I were mature wouldn't I embrace change? Wouldn't it make me happy instead of make me sad? Instead, with everything that's happening I just feel sad, and the finality I feel (that inevetiably comes with change) just makes me want to cry. The kind of cry where you sit on someone's couch or your dad's lap and cry. I think maybe it's a girl thing. Wow I sound depressing.

This pensieve mood I've been in has also set me to longing. Longing to fall in love, to be able to go home to my husband, to just have that someone that understands me and that is here that has my ring on his finger. But then there's this part of me that says "something is better than the nothing you have right now" and that part longs for the drama of the familiar of what I had, what I've walked away from, what I've gone back to, what I know isn't good for anyone involved (ok, so i'm being a little vague). But I also know that isn't what the "mature me", the me I want to be wants.

One of my favorite songs for times like these is Sara Groves "painting pictures of egypt". I feel like I'm in the middle of this change, doing this I wouldn't necessarily do, taking accountability, being the mature me more and more often, but still looking back thinking "that was fun", but turning around isn't an option anymore because "the places that used to fit me cannot hold the things I've learned. Those roads were closed off to me, while my back was turned"

Hope you enjoyed it. Does anyone else feel this way?

Sunday, February 19, 2006

Winter wonderland

Winter has finally arrived in Oklahoma City! Saturday I woke up to a phone call from Pastor saying our Church council retreat had been cancelled so that meant 1)I could sleep in from my late night friday and 2) I had a free saturday (unheard of for me!). So after a couple more hours of sleeping in, I rolled out of bed, lazed around for a while, did my laundry, cleaned my bedroom, living room kitchen and bathroom, vaccuumed, got some free sonic :), ran to walmart with linz, got some snacks, talked to jess for a while, watched a couple movies, played some sequence and had a good old fashioned sleepover with linz. It was like a school snow day back in the day... school unexpectedly canceled and i didn't have to do a darn thing!

Saturday, February 18, 2006

Living Vicariously

Maybe it's just the cards that are dealt me, but it seems like I'm always living through someone. Someone else's drama, their relationship, their stress, their whatever, it doesn't seem like it happens to me. It doesn't seem like there are even any blips on the radar for new and exciting things, so i continue to live vicariously through the lives of my friends.

I want something exciting to happen in my life.

I want to take spontaneous trips to places like England, New Zealand, India, South Africa.
I want to meet new people.
I want to take some risks like getting a tatoo or skydiving or dying my hair blue.
I want to fall in love.
I want to not have to worry about a budget or managing my money correctly or paying off debt.
I want a hand to hold.
I want to test my limits, go a little crazy.

Is that allowed?

Sunday, February 12, 2006

In the realm of my family

This week I got to see my mom! In that past two years especially we've been able to become friends instead parent and child and I have to say that I like it. Yes, she drives me crazy sometimes with her "when are you going to get yourself a man?" speeches and her "call me when you get home and your door is locked" worries, but I still love her.

I also love my family--not just my immediate family but my extended family as well (all of my aunts, uncles, cousins, second cousins, third cousins, etc. etc.), because in the realm of my family I make sense. Not that I think I'm crazy outside of my family, but that my family gives me a place where I fit. I know where I get my laugh (from my mom) where I got my nose (my mom's cousin kenny has the same nose that I do) and why I act the way I do, and why I am the way I am and why I have the peace that I only experience when I'm home in Southern Illinois (it runs through my blood--I can't help it!).

I love my big family, our big family holidays and reunions and the fact that everyone minus a few (including myself) all live within an hour of each other. Apparently I'm more of a country girl than I thought. :)

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Growing Up and Getting Old

I was thinking last night about what it means to be a grown-up and here's some things I came up with. Feel free to add some of your own.

Growing up is:

1) Learning how to not overspend on what you make
2)Realizing that letting go is sometimes harder than trying to make things work.
3)Having as good a time (or better) with no alochol (and that just because I can legally drink doesn't mean I have to:)).
4)Understanding that even if it's the right person but the timing is wrong, it's not the right person.
5) Learning to love is scary, dangerous and makes you emotional.
6)Knowing that sometimes you have to handle a problem head-on even if it's messy and complicated.
7)Being patient and knowing that things don't always get solved on your time.
8)Letting yourself cry in front of someone you trust is harder than being "strong".
9) Knowing what limits are and how to use them.
10)Trusting that your friends know what they're talking about.
11)Building a new safety net in a new place.
12)Making where you live your home.
13)Learning to enjoy being single and learning how to live alone and like it.
14)Realizing that I'm not in college anymore and 2:00 am amigos runs aren't necessarily wise (or good for the hips).
15)Knowing that people count on me to do my job so I need to do it.
16) Realizing there's no grade system in this grown-up world.
17) Growing into a mature faith walk--one without the bells and whistles, but a quiet companionship.
18)Being the person that buys conditioner or groceries and takes out the trash.
19) Realizing you can't change a person, but you can change how you deal with the person.
20) Understanding there's nothing wrong with silence or change.

Monday, February 06, 2006

Changs and Quakes... oh my!

A lot has happened in the past couple days so I'll just do a brief update of what's been going on:

After work, Bek, Jess, Lindz and myself got all pretty to head out to PF Changs for my birthday celebration dinner. I had a blast and our waiter was great... i must say that I was impressed with how much we girls could eat (lettuce wraps, spring rolls, wontons, mongolian beef, orange beef, honey chicken, moo goo gai pan, changs spicy chicken, 2 things of cheesecake and a great wall of chocolate). i'm suprised we could walk. I'm also super excited about my present. The girls got me a basket full of goodies for an at home pedicure (along with a gift card for a pedi at beauty brands. score!) Overall the night was a lot of fun. Jess is planning on launching a singing career in which bek and i will be backup dancers.

Favorite quotes from the evening:

"I'll call myself J-E-S squared!"
"You don't have to have morals if it's imaginary!"

Overall, the night was great and I felt so loved :). so thanks girls!


Never... repeat... never... underestimate junior high boys. (both for good and evil).

This weekend was youth quake and myself along with 4 other parents were able to take 7 girls and 9 middle school age boys to youth quake in Wichita, Kansas (woot). I had so much fun and if it's one thing i learned this weekend is that middle school boys are at the age where they need to test the boundaries. In safe environments they need to see where and how far they can push. I learned to pick my battles and feel better equipped for our next big middle school adventure and youth quake next year.

My favorite moments of the weekend I think came after campfire on Saturday night. For those of you that don't know, campfire is a time of winding down and worshipping before we go and do family time.

Saturday night after a day of chasing down the boys, coralling them into sessions and keeping them in the main sessions (it really is like having 9 2 year olds!), I was exhausted and my patience was more than a little thin. I was thankful that when I sat down they were a) all accounted for and b) away from the water cooler and styrofoam cups (which they had been making tiny little holes in all weekend so that cups would leak when people filled them up--i guess the temptation was just too much).

I noticed a couple of things that night at campfire... and realized some things about myself.

One of the older boys, Kyle, had really started to distance himself from the other 8th grade boys. I think (though he'd never admit it) that he was tired of them. During campfire, he another boy, Cole, sat apart from the other boys. I also noticed that they really got into it and at one point, during one of the songs, that kyle was crying (like a man cry--trying to hide the fact that he was doing so).

During the song, I could sing of your love forever, I got all emotional, and started to cry because I love these kids so much and I realized that the reason that the frustrated me so much was because I want so much for them to take something from the weekend, for their faith to take root and grow and when they don't seem to care it seems like a personal affront. So i had a nice little cry (which is becoming typical on youth weekends--this loving your kids is emotionally taxing). During family time that evening, we went around the circle and the kids and adults shared what had impacted them the most over the course of the day. So when it got to my turn, I said that campfire had impacted me the most and then hannah got teary-eyed and the choked up crying voice thing that I hate (and probably the oprah ugly cry) and told them i loved them and thta i wanted them so much to take the message they were trying to teach them and let it work in their lives. Then after we'd gone around in a circle, we did a popcorn prayer and was so suprised to hear the kids voluntarily pray (i had expected silence). i was blown away. After that, things seemed to go much better with the boys. (Plus i think it also helped that I let them dump Buckets and buckets of ice into the 8th grade girls room --which was also my room--to get them back for the shaving cream they squirted on them.)

All in all the weekend was good and I think i love my kids even more and appreciate them more than at the beginning of the weekend :)