Thursday, September 29, 2005

Piss and Moan

I realized yesterday that I have done an overabundance of complaining about my single situation. Well here is my resolution.

No longer will I piss and moan about my single state! I will be content!

In all seriousness, I hate whiners and that's what I've been this past month. So things didn't work out like I wanted. I got rejected. Yes, it sucks, and yes, boys can be retarded, and yes they can make you want to tear your hair out, but I'm done complaining about it. I'm done! It is my prayer that God teaches me how to be content and focused on the ministry before me at Messiah.

Confession: I made a "deal" with God back in June, after I had a bit of a meltdown (it's recorded here) I said "OK God, I'll focus on youth ministry really whole-hearterdly until October and then you can give me a man. Silly. It's almost October and I haven't kept up my end of the bargain. "Focused" may be the last word to describe my work ethic. Why should God keep up his end of the bargain?

At the beginning of Junior year at Concordia, I really felt that God asked me to give up the idea of dating boys, of looking for a boyfriend (I sound like I'm on the prowl don't I) for a year. Well, I sort of did that... with the full expectation that God would drop mr. future husband in my lap August 28, 2003 (the day my no boy year was up). Silly.

I've learned, and am continuing to learn that I just need to trust. Lack of trust is a lack of faith one of my professors once told me and my unfaith in God's ability to work is astounding. "oh you of little faith" Do I not trust that God will work in my life? Why not? Hasn't he worked before? Hasn't he answered your prayers? Are you afraid of a no? Do you not trust that God's ways are higher than yours? That in his "no" he may bless more than in his "yes?" You of little faith, why don't you trust?

You out there in blog-land, hold me to my challenge to not piss and moan about my single state as of today September 29, 2005. This does not mean that I'm not going to take opportunities to change it, but I'm not going to complain or worry about it. God's got it. Remind me of that.

Saturday, September 24, 2005


Just got back from Dallas. I love the newlyweds. They should have their own sitcom. Here is a true account from my adventures wtih Laura and Josh.

(laura is sitting on floor by couch playing with Josh's army hatchet)
Laura: (hitting hatchet on leg) wow this is really sharp. I bet I could chop off my leg or at least my toe. I'm really tempted to try it!
Josh: Give me the hatchet so you don't hurt yourself. It's not a toy
Laura hands hatchet to Josh. Josh takes hatchet and hits it on the wooden arm of the couch and cracks it.
Josh: (Looks up suprised) Wow this really is sharp!

Ahh the newlyweds. I thought this was hilarious.

I suppose you're wondering about the title of my blog. Well I'll tell you. Everyone once in a while... just every once in a while, I start to wonder if there is something inherently wrong with me, something profoundly undateable. Normally I am content. This weekend brought up some weird emotions.

I usually just think of myself as just me and see people as individuals. When I'm around a couple, I see people as with or without. Last night I felt deeply without. I wanted someone to hold my hand at the movies, someone to do the million little things that mean nothing and something all at once, wished a boy would simply return my email. It was so frustrating. And, confession: I cried. Not a lot and not for a real reason, but I did. Because I was without.

Sorry i don't have a happier post. More another time.

Monday, September 19, 2005


Well after another rousing OU loss yesterday and a lazy evening watching property ladder and other such programming with linz and bekah, I was feeling kind of pensive, I guess. So, I hopped in leon the neon and after ordering a venti mocha rasberry frappucino, I headed back hom. I think it was just one of those saturdays where you need a cup of coffee and a friend more familiar and more comforting than a good book. So, I called Jamie and we talked. It's nights like those where I miss the familiar haunts of seward where a friend is only a few blocks (instead of a few states and canadian provinces) away. I miss the habit of wandering seward streets till 1-2-3 in the morning and talking about nothing and everything, looking at stars, and having the feeling that you owned the town, if only for that night. Walking was what you did when you couldn't sleep, were mad at someone, interested in someone, needed to talk something out, needed to cry, needed a laugh, needed to be there for someone else. Some of my favorite memories happened on walks.

Last night was one of those seward night walks, but not being in seward, I grabbed my phone and called my Jamie and we talked about nothing and everything and laughed and i felt like I owned the balcony on which I sat, if only for the moment.

Thursday, September 15, 2005

Hannah-lysis No. 4

Hannah-lysis is the name of my blog when I can't think of a more creative title.

Well another week has flown by (my week officially ends on thursday in the churchworker world, b/c my day off for the week are fridays... so my weekend is thursday through saturday)

Tomorrow night Lindz, Bekah and I are going to go see Just Like Heaven with Reese Witherspoon. Yay I'm pumped

My friend Jamie says that she's a girly girl when it comes to guys (well ONE guy in particular) but I think that we all are, aren't we? Even girls with vulcan logic and a deathgrip on reality like my "more sarcastic than House" friend julianna gets "GIRLY" when it comes to boys (she'll deny it but it's a true story. Ask her about the email that she didn't have the guts to respond to ;)) It's one thing to look at someone else's relationship and say "well you obviously need to do this" but when your own hearts involved or has the potential to get involved it gets a lot messier.

Confession: I'm usually good at not overreacting but, I'm totally guilty of overanalyzing most boy situations till it's blown out of proportion or until my friends have to say "HANNAH JUST SHUT UP" (usually its vulcan jules that comes out with that one--jamie and I just overanalyze together). Why do the right boys have the capability to turn normal sensical girls into puddles of mush?

I'm not any closer to finding the answer to this, but if you know it please tell me :)

Sunday, September 11, 2005

I fought the drums...

And the drums won :)

This past weekend was the annual middle school retreat at Camp Lutherhoma in Tahlequah. I'm exhausted but I had a blast. This was one of the big events that I went on last year as a brand new baby intern and it is amazing what can happen in one year, in my life, in other's lives. I have been blessed beyond belief here in Oklahoma when I stop to think about it. God has blessed me with an amazing church, good friends, and great kids with which to spend my weekend.

As much fun as the kids had this weekend, it is my prayer that they took some of the Bible study stuff to heart. The theme this weekend was "Be all you can be--in God's army" And Steve another DCE in the district talked about putting on the full armor of God and how we can be soldiers of the light, fitted for battle. One of the things that really hit me and I hope it hit the middle schoolers too was that we're witnesses and that there is someone in our lives already that God is calling us to witness to. Well that got me. For those of you that know me, you know this last month has been an exercise in the patience I prayed for last year. It's been hard and I admit that I feel a little lost about what do now. The story didn't play out like I thought it would, but I'm not giving up hope... Instead, I can continue to pray. I dont feel like God's closed the door, but I may not get the answer I want. That's frustrating, but it's ok. I hope that God can use this to open doors for me to be a witness. We'll see what happens.

Other things from this weekend. I had to be mean Hannah (yes she does exist and I don't really like her, but sometimes she's necessary) to some snotty kids who tested my authority all Saturday afternoon. Not only mine, but Bekah and Jess's too. WITH THEIR ADULTS AROUND. Anyway. I was glad crisis was adverted when mean hannah reared her ugly head. Other than that mean Hannah had to appear this morning to break up a fight between sisters in my group when they resulted to kicking each other lol. It was kind of funny. The rest of the weekend was great though. So thanks to Erin, Ashlee, Brennah , Devin, Sutton, Philip, Sam and Carol Ann for a great time. Thanks to Joe and Bekah for the adult help. :)

I realized more fully that I am NOT A CAMP PERSON. I heart lutherhoma, but it was not as posh as Heits point in missouri where laura and josh got married. Anyway, Ill be ready to head back out there 2 more times this fall and once in January after I recouperate from this weekend.

I hope you enjoyed the ramblings! More later! Night!

Thursday, September 08, 2005


This is on the new Casting Crowns CD called "Life song"


empty hands held high
such small sacrifice
if not joined with my life
I sing in vain tonight

may the words I say
and the things I do
make my lifesong sing
bring a smile to you

let my lifesong sing to you
let my lifesong sing to you
i want to sign your name to the end of each day
knowing that my heart was true
let my lifesong sing to you

Lord I give my life
a living sacrifice
to reach a world in need
bring a smile to you

so may the words I say
and the things I do
make my lifesong sing to you


Ok, well, it's been a rather hectic two weeks in my life.

This whole youth ministry thing has been a rollercoaster ride and I feel like I may be getting sick from the twists and turns. It seems like there have been more downs than ups and I'm feeling a little discouraged by that. Alot of it is my fault though. I don't know what the deal is. I feel like real DCE-dom is not as great as internship. I know it's not a numbers game but I can't help but feel responsible when only 4 kids show up to something... maybe it's my lack of communication, but I know info has been out there. I feel like I'm making the same mistakes because of the same reasons that get me all the time.

Anyway enough with the ranting, that really only is a part of the title of the blog. The honorable President of our district, Paul Hartmann, says that his life and ministry are based on three P's Prayer, Persistence, Patience. To me, they're all inter-related. For example, I want to get married someday, however, I'm not seeing anyone, and I don't really think there are any serious prospects out there (unless you dear blog reader are one,in which case you should leave me a comment :)), so I pray. I pray for my singleness, for my future husband, for patience. I pray with persistence. During this time that I'm praying, I see God work, b/c he's given me the hope of my future husband and he's building in me patience.

Back to them being inter-related. I dont think you can pray without persistence if it's something you really want or something you think God has placed on your heart. By praying for something that persistently, God's going to develop in you the patience and the persistence to keep praying. see how that goes full circle? cool huh?

Ok kids, it's dinner time. Happy weekend!