Monday, April 18, 2005

I'm weird when it comes to boys

Thought for the day/week:

Most of the time, when it comes to guys, I don't know what the heck I'm doing. Maybe that's normal for most women to be awkward around guys, or maybe it's the fact that I've never had a real boyfriend.

I think maybe for me (a person who likes things to have order and structure, to have a CLEAR definition of what something is and what it is not) boys leave too much open for me to feel truly comfortable. Case in point: a couple weeks ago at LEA I ran into an old friend and I acted like myself--but there was no pressure--it was clearly defined that nothing was going to happen there so it was safe for me to be myself--I didn't really care what this guy thought.

When the stakes are higher though--when I'm interested in a guy or there's someone interested in me, I don't know how to handle the situation-- the real me goes into hiding and I become this shy, awkward creature that forgets how to converse. It's so frustrating, and it happens unintentionally--it's almost like I don't trust myself to be myself around anyone--especially a boy until I know exactly what's going on and how I want to handle it and even then, it's usually only after the moment fades that I feel like I can truly show my true self. It really annoys my friends... they tell me "just be yourself!" "don't be so shy! let them see the hannah we know" and I don't know how to tell them I can't... for some odd reason, no matter how hard I try, I can't, and if I force it, I come off as fake and shallow or worse snotty and mean. Great. that's exactly the impression I want to put forward.

This whole thing confuses me--I don't even know why I act this way, maybe it's a lack of trust, a lack of self-confidence, a fear of getting hurt or used--who knows.

Anyway, my main point is this: I don't know how to act around boys.

ps. check out (it puts my musings to shame!)

Sunday, April 03, 2005

(Im)Patiently Waiting

Well, it's good ole fashioned call day here at Messiah and I'm nervous and it's the longest 20 minutes of my life thus far. Oftentimes, people can express in better ways what i feel and believe... so here are my words, found in the type of other people

Patience: noun

Synonyms: patience, long-suffering, resignation, forbearance. These nouns denote the capacity to endure hardship, difficulty, or inconvenience without complaint. Patience emphasizes calmness, self-control, and the willingness or ability to tolerate delay: Our patience will achieve more than our force (Edmund Burke).

God, there's a reason the Bible and the hymnals call you shepherd and us sheep. We get lost easily. We wander away without thinking. We follow the path with the greener grass, even if it takes us away from you. Sheep are born followers. What one does, they all do. We follow the ones with the loudest voices and we think we're on the path to happiness. YOU ARE THE SHEPHERD. You bring us back to the path even though we know it isn't the easiest way go. We get lost, and you will leave the flock and come and find us again and again. You know us better than anyone. We know that all we must do is listen for your voice and follow your call. Watch over us, God. Keep us on the path. Amen.
~From The Uncommon Book of Prayer by Steven L. Case

Developing Patience
Romans 5:1-5 (The Message)
By entering through faith into what God has always wanted to do for us--set us right with him, make us fit for him--we have it all together with God because of our Master Jesus. And that's not all: We throw open our doors to God and discover at the same moment that he has already thrown open his door to us. We find ourselves standing where we always hoped we might stand--out in the wide open spaces of God's grace and glory, standing tall and shouting our praise.
There's more to come: We continue to shout our praise even when we're hemmed in with troubles, because we know how troubles can develop passionate patience in us, and how that patience in turn forges the tempered steel of virtue, keeping us alert for whatever God will do next. In alert expectancy such as this, we're never left feeling shortchanged. Quite the contrary--we can't round up enough containers to hold everything God generously pours into our lives through the Holy Spirit!