I'm weird when it comes to boys

Thought for the day/week:

Most of the time, when it comes to guys, I don't know what the heck I'm doing. Maybe that's normal for most women to be awkward around guys, or maybe it's the fact that I've never had a real boyfriend.

I think maybe for me (a person who likes things to have order and structure, to have a CLEAR definition of what something is and what it is not) boys leave too much open for me to feel truly comfortable. Case in point: a couple weeks ago at LEA I ran into an old friend and I acted like myself--but there was no pressure--it was clearly defined that nothing was going to happen there so it was safe for me to be myself--I didn't really care what this guy thought.

When the stakes are higher though--when I'm interested in a guy or there's someone interested in me, I don't know how to handle the situation-- the real me goes into hiding and I become this shy, awkward creature that forgets how to converse. It's so frustrating, and it happens unintentionally--it's almost like I don't trust myself to be myself around anyone--especially a boy until I know exactly what's going on and how I want to handle it and even then, it's usually only after the moment fades that I feel like I can truly show my true self. It really annoys my friends... they tell me "just be yourself!" "don't be so shy! let them see the hannah we know" and I don't know how to tell them I can't... for some odd reason, no matter how hard I try, I can't, and if I force it, I come off as fake and shallow or worse snotty and mean. Great. that's exactly the impression I want to put forward.

This whole thing confuses me--I don't even know why I act this way, maybe it's a lack of trust, a lack of self-confidence, a fear of getting hurt or used--who knows.

Anyway, my main point is this: I don't know how to act around boys.


ps. check out www.peterstent.blogspot.com (it puts my musings to shame!)