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Tuesday, May 23, 2006

The Business of Busy-ness, Brokenness and Being 24

Everyone's heard of the phrase, the bigger they are the harder they fall. The reason it's cliche is because there's truth in it.

I think the same is true when it comes to spiritual walk--the bigger the pride, the harder the break. I've been contemplating the major differences from internship year to this year and I can only say that last year, I had nothing to rely on but God. Internship was an intensly lonely, challenging time, but it is probably the closest I have ever been to God. I think the vulnerability of the situation and my spirit led to a mold-able heart and life. Internship was a continual period of renewal and brokenness, but I can honestly say I never felt deserted, lost, or separated.

This year, from about October to May, I've felt like I've been wandering like the proverbial Israelite in this desert of pride and self-reliance (maybe they are one in the same), though I've always felt like I've been running, forcing myself to not break, not move, not budge any step closer to God.

I do know that during these past almost 8 months, that my focus has slipped and God no longer was a priority. Having friends became a form of Idolatry and I stumbled along keeping the peace, trying not to agitate, to not cause drama, to be an adult, and I failed on my own.

It took one week of the complete loneliness of last year plus the reminder that I didn't have the same relationship that I did last year with God to completely and totally break me.

And I broke hard. I've cried more these past few months than I have since Sophomore year (the psycho floor and RA days from hell). It took Pastor, John and Mike telling me that they'd seen me lose all my joy in my work and my calling. It took 2 more months of running after that even, avoiding the break until all was gone until my attention was finally gotten.

And here I am. Back at square one, but at peace and content. I have no idea whats going to happen in the next few months, but I'm back to trusting God that He's got it covered. I'm also learning to "praise the God that gives and takes away".

3 comments:

josh Sullivan said...

hannah, there's a reoccuring theme of longing in the majority of your posts, like you're looking for something. What exactly are you searching for, if I may ask.

Tara "Childs" Brune said...

hannah,

i needed to read that. i'm stuggling with similar things and know that i need to come back to the one who always waits for me with open arms. enjoy the peace, contentment and comfort only he can give. God bless friend! Tara

Kristy Laughed said...

Hannie~ I can't believe how hard this year has been. I know how much you have longed for true kindred friendship this year with someone not hundreds of miles away. I am so thankful to have you as a friend and for the blessing of having you just a short drive away last year, and I miss that! But I know that when we allow ourselves to be broken completely God fulfills our deepest needs beyond our ability to understand! We need to hold each other accountable for holding fast to God's promises. I love you Hannie, and I'm praying for you!

Love, Me

P.S. We need to have prayer time again soon! I think it was really good for both of us!