The Business of Busy-ness, Brokenness and Being 24

Everyone's heard of the phrase, the bigger they are the harder they fall. The reason it's cliche is because there's truth in it.

I think the same is true when it comes to spiritual walk--the bigger the pride, the harder the break. I've been contemplating the major differences from internship year to this year and I can only say that last year, I had nothing to rely on but God. Internship was an intensly lonely, challenging time, but it is probably the closest I have ever been to God. I think the vulnerability of the situation and my spirit led to a mold-able heart and life. Internship was a continual period of renewal and brokenness, but I can honestly say I never felt deserted, lost, or separated.

This year, from about October to May, I've felt like I've been wandering like the proverbial Israelite in this desert of pride and self-reliance (maybe they are one in the same), though I've always felt like I've been running, forcing myself to not break, not move, not budge any step closer to God.

I do know that during these past almost 8 months, that my focus has slipped and God no longer was a priority. Having friends became a form of Idolatry and I stumbled along keeping the peace, trying not to agitate, to not cause drama, to be an adult, and I failed on my own.

It took one week of the complete loneliness of last year plus the reminder that I didn't have the same relationship that I did last year with God to completely and totally break me.

And I broke hard. I've cried more these past few months than I have since Sophomore year (the psycho floor and RA days from hell). It took Pastor, John and Mike telling me that they'd seen me lose all my joy in my work and my calling. It took 2 more months of running after that even, avoiding the break until all was gone until my attention was finally gotten.

And here I am. Back at square one, but at peace and content. I have no idea whats going to happen in the next few months, but I'm back to trusting God that He's got it covered. I'm also learning to "praise the God that gives and takes away".