Thursday, January 26, 2006

In the words of Vanilla Ice...

"If there was a problem, yo I'll solve it..."

In light of recent events, I've realized something about myself. I'm a "fix the problem at hand" kind of girl. Especially with relationships (friendships, family, friend's family, family's friend.. you get the idea). If there's something wrong, it makes sense to me to take care of it right away. If it can't be fixed, then you call it quits. You say that you're done. Cut your losses. Burn that bridge. Hang up your hat. Stop while you're ahead. Get while the getting's good. (Insert more cliches here). This usually works, in theory (at least in my head it does) until something comes up that can't be solved right away.

Example: My beloved alaska-land friend has been seeing this boy off an on for about a year...ish. Way back at the beginning, she was telling me the boy woes and instead of listening, I started giving advice... like "just fix the problem!" Well it prolonged and prolonged and soon all I could focus on was the problem, this mullet-man in Alaska. It affected my friendship with Jamie because whenever i would talk to her, all I could ever think about was this mess, this unresolved problem, even though it was HER problem, HER life. And she was taking care of things, just not in the way I would have... therefore that was wrong. :) Thankfully things have gotten better, and I've learned to let go of something I have no control over and know that things will work themselves out in due time, even if it's not on MY time.:)

It does make me wonder what it is about me that says, "if I can't fix the problem right now, i'm walking!" and what is it about me that can only focus on the problem at hand until it can ulitmately ruin friendships?

Part of it, I realized is that I like things to have a clear definition. Boundaries. Rules. "this friend and i do this. this person and I have this." When things get muddled or a problem arises--one that requires time for it to solve itself or isn't even my problem but affects me indirectly, I don't know how to be a friend anymore until the problem rights itself. My place in that particular relationship doesn't have a boundary and so I waver somewhere between nothing and something.

Spoda says I'm searching for homeostasis--this need for balance in my life.... like walking into a room that is too hot and turning on the air conditioner. Most of the relational problems in my life come from finding that the room is too hot and the air conditioner is broken and all I can do is keep trying to fix the broken air conditioner instead of pouring myself a glass of water and dealing with it. It even irks me more if someone else is complaining about the broken air conditioner and it turns out that all it needed was to be plugged in but they refused to do it.

Spoda also said this, "When life gives you lemons...some complain, some make lemonade even though they wanted tea, and Hannah attempts in vain to make grape juice."

This need for homeostasis in my life is not necessarily bad, but it is eye-opening. It's revealing that I handle problems in this way. I want the most effective way to solve the problem, an effective strategy, a clear cut line, but life isn't always clean cut, life is messy. This is where i struggle. I'm passing out from heat exhaustion trying to fix the air conditioner instead of drinking some water, calling a repairman and having him come anywhere from 10-7 the next day and fixing it.

My goal? to learn to make lemonade from lemons and put grape juice on my grocery list :).