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Monday, January 02, 2006

Unlucky 13

Happy Aught Six everyone! I hope this post finds you safe and happy and enjoying the new year.

I spent New Years in Dallas with the newlyweds which was entertaining as always. According to Laura "scienced" is a proper verb ex. he "scienced" himself out of the room. I love spending time with the newlywed's because I look at their relationship and see a million tiny everyday things that make their marriage work. Things that i want when I get married. I see two committed people who have chosen each other for good and bad better/worse, yada yada yada.

Warning: This is where the happy stuff ends. The rest of this blog's purpose is to be a venting medium. I've been struggling with some stuff the past few weeks and haven't had the words to voice it. so here it is.

During this weekend Laura and I were talking about stuff we both were struggling with and I made the comment that I was terrified that in 5 years I would be exactly where I was today (well Saturday night). She said she completely understood. I then commented that she had a successful marriage and I didn't and she replied that she didn't have the job she wanted and I did. Funny how we're both scared of the same thing for different reasons.

I think the new year always makes me more than a little pensieve and kind of depressed. Each year I think that momentous changes are on the way and each end of the year I get disappointed when nothing of particular note happens.

When I look back over 05 I am surprised at how little has changed. I mean, yes, I became a real full-time employee at Messiah but it's really not that different than when I was an intern. I am still single, and with all the changes that have happened in the past couple months, I still spend most of my nights by myself in my apartment just like last year. It's almost like junior year of college all over again and I feel as ill-equiped to deal with it now as I did then. The fear that I am just a "starter" friend until they find something better plagues me and I know that's my insecurity but I don't know to fix that. I also don't know how to talk about it. It's not something that you just bring up in everyday conversation either... and I'm afraid of how I'll be viewed after it's been said.

I feel like I'm not being effective at work at all... Like I'm not doing enough, not accomplishing enough, not experienced enough to do what's expected, what I feel needs to be done. I feel so inadequate and like I'm just being set-up to fail and b/c this fear runs so deep that unless asked then I just don't talk about it.

And then, if you're not depressed enough keep reading. Hannah's still an idiot when it comes to boys. Instead of being patient I trade in a nice quality mercedes in for a kia or maybe even one of those geo metros that I don't really want to drive and then still end up without a car. New years was kind of a fiasco but if you want the details ask me and I'll tell you. (it's also the reason for the title of the blog).

I need a kindred spirit and I wish I could talk about this stuff openly but instead it just kind of builds up inside then explodes into a really depressing post.

What a mess. I'm sorry that this isn't a happier post but as okc lindz said about a month ago...

"No, it's not happy and pleasant, but life isn't always happy and pleasant and that's exactly where I'm at right now. In an unhappy, unfulfilled, unpleasant, unsatisfied place. "

More another time folks.

3 comments:

Tara "Childs" Brune said...

Hannah,

My heart echos you. I'm in that place- unmarried, sometimes unhappy, and feeling like I am doing nothing at my job. But today marks the third day of a new year for both of us. I challenge us to find out contentment and happiness in our creator. To do whatever we can to give Him our all in relationships and our work. So much easier said than done. I am praying for you and your heart and your job and that your world will move in wonderful ways this year. Ways that you would have never expected. God bless friend.
Tara

Lubke-Moss said...

Hannah,

Things aren't so bad, really. Although I shouldn't be commenting on the loniliness of being single, I will anyway. Don't get me wrong, I love my husband very much, but my life didn't suddenly become wonderful and problem free once I started wearing a ring on the "I'm taken" finger. I struggle with being "friendless" per say, as well. I really don't have a close friend that I can call up to go shopping. My mother, actually is my best friend, but she lives in TX. We all go through "nobody likes me everybody hates me" periods in our lives. Keep your chin up - you are a favored child of God. Have a wonderful week, Hannah!

P.S. You can try what I did - get a cat! :) He's awesome and loves me unconditionally. He's also a great listener and never judges me!

hannah said...

Thank you for the very nice comments :). I've kind of determined that part of all I've posted about is due to it being winter and part of it do the fact that I'm out of my normal routine.

So thanks for being friends :)

hannah