Block

I've been struck with writer's block. A lot has happened in the month of March and a lot I want to talk about, but there's a lot I'm still processing. Still reeling from, really.

March was an emotional, stressful, lonely month. And I didn't notice it till people started telling me to smile, till in a meeting I was told that I'd seemed like I'd lost all my joy in what I was doing.

April's forecast is looking better (and MUCH better than last april), thank goodness.... It's funny that as I look back, it always seems like whatever big drama that's going to happen, happens in March or April. Maybe march madness is a state of mind. Does anybody else feel that way? That if anythings going to happen it's going to happen in a certain day or certain week like clockwork every year?

Sorry for the short post. I'll post more after I get back from my weekend at home in ILLINOIS! WOOT!

I am super pumped about that. Can you tell? :)

Sand Castles

The foolish man built his house upon the sand, his house upon the sand, his house upon the sand
The foolish man built his house upon the sand and the rains came tumbling down
The rains came down and the floods came up
The rains came down and the floods came up
The rains came down and the floods came up
And the house on the sand went SPLAT!

When I was little, this was one of my favorite Sunday school, Vacation Bible school, summer revival-y songs. I remember thinking to myself, "what kind of person would actually build their house on sand!?! Of course it will wash away!" I didn't quite realize that Jesus was using the story as a teachable moment. There were those building castles in the sand, thinking the house they'd built would stand even if the winds came down and the floods came up.

I realized, this weekend, down in Dallas, that I'd built myself a nice little sand castle in oklahoma city. I'd gotten nice and comfortable, moved in and set up house right on the beach and now the wind and the rains are bearing down full force and it is crumbling all around me. More water spills in than I can cup or catch or block...

And I am heartbroken. Not only heartbroken, but my spirit is broken too. I'm so tired of pushing wet sand into irreperable holes, of biding my time and knowing I can do nothing but watch it fall.

I am watching this fall apart all around me, so tired of fighting to keep people that I consider closer than my family close to me, talking to me, wanting to be friends with me, wanting to spend time me. It feels like inevitable divorce....

And I am heartbroken. Simply heartbroken that there is nothing I can do or say to change it.

Lesson learned? I'll let you know when the castle's crumbled and I've begun construction on a new house somewhere safely away from the coast.

Edit

As pointed out by the lovely spode who was worried I was going to crash head-first onto hard cement circus floor, I would like to make this edit. The letting go of the trapeze I referred to isn't about me diving headfirst into what would surely be a bone-crushing fall, but about letting go of stress, drama, mess, and my "control" over situations in general and letting God handle them.

Maybe I should have given up drama for lent. :)

Trapezes and Tightropes

Did you ever want to run away and join a circus? I imagine that if you wait long enough, the circus comes to you, puts you in a sparkly unitard and throws you into the act. That's what I feel like has been happening to me recently.

My life is full of tightropes and trapezes. I've been walking this tightrope for months now with all this drama that's been going on and is still going on in my life. I'm afraid to get my feelings hurt and to hurt others, of offending one person by trying not to offend someone else.... so I just continue to deal with it, to walk along, arms out, but I am terrible at balancing so I'm wavering from side to side, overcorrecting and readjusting with each step. I want very badly to be on the other side, but unforutnately, I don't see it, so I keep plugging along, step after shaky step.

The worst thing? There's no safety net if I fall. Just circus floor.

And then as if the tightrope weren't enough, I'm a performer for the fabulous flying trapeze act. And believe me, I don't fly through the air with the greatest of ease. I just kind of swing back and forth on the one instead of reaching out to the guy on the trapeze across from me. No great leaps of faith for me. No sirreee. I'll just hang here until someone gets a ladder for me to climb down on. Well, my arms are getting tired and I've lost my momentum and no one is pulling me back to the podium so I can climb down. So, I'm hanging here, feeling lost and confused and alone, feeling like I've run out of options, and wishing I could have done something easier like pile in with 27 other clowns into my vw bug.

And here's the kicker: I know why I'm scared to take the leap off the trapeze, why I have this deep "bone ache" of loneliness inside me, why I feel like I'm one step from falling off the tightrope. Jamie talked about it in her blog, "The funny part is that I know precisely why I feel empty and it's not because I don't have friends... it's because my relationship with God has fallen by the wayside. I know what to do it's just a matter of doing it and honestly I think I'm just a wee bit scared of jumping right in. I miss Him and I want Him to be at the forefront of my mind everyday... I guess I'm just procrastinating on starting a routine with Him."

I know that the circus won't just disappear, but I do know that I can make it across the tightrope if only I were to return to God's Word and begin to listen to His voice and let him handle my worries instead of trying to handle it on my own. What a difference it would make in my relationships if my relationship with God was right! But first, I have to learn to let go of my trapeze, of all the worries that are plaguing me, of this comfortable spot that I'm in, and to be honest, I'm terrified. I'm so used to living this way, that this worry and this stress has become like a pet to me. I'm not sure what it's like to live without it. So, I willingly sit in this pain and this mess because I'm comfortable, because I've convinced myself I like it this way--even though if I were to allow myself to take a closer look I'd see how unhappy I really am. Instead, like all good circus performers, I've painted on a garish fake smile, but I miss the me that was truly happy, the me that didn't need a fake smile.

So here I am, hanging.

Maybe letting go of the trapeze isn't such a bad idea.

Spring is here!

I love Spring and I love the fact that spring comes early in Oklahoma. That said, I don't have much to say, just a need to write.

The past couple of days have been some of those busy fulfilling days that reminds me just how much I love my job. Spring break is giving me lots of opportunities to spend time with my youth and in the words of Jessie Lippert "i'm pretty sure" I love it.

Last night at coffee shoppe we had 8 youth! (a record I think!) Just enough for a rousing game of sequence (mixed in with lots of table talk, sarcasm and "code"). Good times all around.
This morning 7 kids came with me to the foodbank (7 more than I had expected!) We spent 2 hours this morning bagging corn. This was kind of challenging, and we looked oh so cool in our nifty little hairnets and matching aprons. Over all we bagged about 600 pounds of corn over all which is the equivalent of about 850 meals. I never... never... want to see that much corn again.

After the foodbank we had lunch at chili's and had a good time and it looks like the girls have picked up where Zach Ming left off in picking up boys for me (as did the girls yesterday with the Concordia acapella choir "HANNAH WE INVITED CUTE BOYS FOR YOU!!!" --boys that happen to be my friend's younger brothers...awkward). After chili's I played a couple rounds of sequence with jessie and ace. Then later, met Ace for a movie--Aquamarine. Ok movie, hokey, good parts, some decent acting... it would have been GREAT if I were about 9--but not a bad choice for a monday night movie (Where I had to pay $8.50! b/c I couldn't very well lie and use my student id. Oh well... it's matinees with the old people and toddlers from now on!)

Good quotes from today:

"YOU'RE A CORN BAGGER!"

"It's not called gymnicestics"

hope your week is going well!

As Requested...

I've been thinking a lot about growing up recently and I think that I'm having growing pains (unlike Jess who is having shrinking pains).

This week has contained a plethora (oooh a big word!) of unpleasant(and some not so unpleasant) things that have needed to be dealt with.

1) Going to the DMV to become a legalized Okie (yes, I know that I've lived here 18 months, but I didn't need an Oklahoma license while I was an intern and I had my illinois car under my parents name till November, so technically I'm not as bad as one might assume). Suprisingly though, my picture was good so that's a plus... I will willingly be carded now b/c I actually look female in this picture.

2)Paying my deliquent pikepass (and my 5 cent toll evasion). (Yes, I evaded a toll in true hannah fashion... I didn't mean too... I mean, was it my fault that the machine only took exact change and I had $1.00 a quarter and 5 pennies and the machine didn't take pennies? so, I sat there contemplating which was the lesser of two evils, jamming the toll machine with the dollar bill and breaking the machine, paying the quarter, getting a toll evasion notice, or backing out of the lane all the way back to the street. I paid the quarter and then went in and paid my nickel).

3)Getting my taxes prepared (and paying for last years including fees--no I didn't file my taxes last year, completely my fault, tried to file online but didn't have the right information, forgot, tried again later, failed and did nothing. Yes, stupid.)

4) Paying extra on my credit card (woot to hopefully someday being debt-free!!)

5) Going out on a limb and meeting new people (meeting people as a churchworker tends to brand you--you wear your morality as a badge and it can cause people to be weary around you until they realize you're normal just like them. That you have a job just like them. That you're just you're a basic 24 year old female just like everyone else.) I went to a Bible study all on my own and had a good time and am going back next week! look at me being outgoing! woot!

6) Asking friends to set me up with their friends. To see what happens.

7)Cutting up my credit cards... that one physically hurt. My breath got short and I spent the next few minutes putting it back together... like a puzzle!

8) Realizing that some things are slipping and sliding out of my control and I can't change it so I just have to deal with it.

I hate being a grown-up. I'm finding that each day there's some new grown-up test to take it seems like and a lot of them have to do with my own personal accountability, my own credibilty. Being a grown-up is taking care of things whether you like them or not. I feel like I'm daily being stretched and pulled and changed and molded in so many different ways. I wonder what's happening in my near future that all this is happening now. Well that's all I've got tonight folks.

PS: CONGRATS TO SATTGAST AND LAIL ON THEIR ENGAGEMENT! WOOHOO! (AND HERES TO HOPING THE CU RUMOR MILL GETS ROLLING) :).