Happy Birthday Tooooooooooooo Meeeeeeeeee...

Well... it's official. I turned old. That's right, almost a quarter of a century. 24. whoo! (and apparently old enough that my dad had to ask how old I was when I talked to my parents on the phone tonight).

My birthday was rung in officially with a call from Jamie J at one in the morning just so she could be the first person to wish me a happy birthday:). Overall, thanks to birthday wishes on facebook, aim, TWO birthday posts from my friends kristy and the very lovely spoda and my favorite from the wonderful first graders who sang me a birthday rap after I taught religion for them, work flew by.

The rest of the day passed without fanfare or the dreaded birthday spankings (which I did receive from my aunt barb at the age of 19... after she chased me out to my car!) and that was ok. I read and relaxed in my new grownup bedroom (which I just love), and watched some tv.

Overall, not a bad birthday and with the promise of pf changs on thursday this week is definately looking up:).

Thanks to all who made me feel loved today.

me and lindz 

In the words of Vanilla Ice...

"If there was a problem, yo I'll solve it..."

In light of recent events, I've realized something about myself. I'm a "fix the problem at hand" kind of girl. Especially with relationships (friendships, family, friend's family, family's friend.. you get the idea). If there's something wrong, it makes sense to me to take care of it right away. If it can't be fixed, then you call it quits. You say that you're done. Cut your losses. Burn that bridge. Hang up your hat. Stop while you're ahead. Get while the getting's good. (Insert more cliches here). This usually works, in theory (at least in my head it does) until something comes up that can't be solved right away.

Example: My beloved alaska-land friend has been seeing this boy off an on for about a year...ish. Way back at the beginning, she was telling me the boy woes and instead of listening, I started giving advice... like "just fix the problem!" Well it prolonged and prolonged and soon all I could focus on was the problem, this mullet-man in Alaska. It affected my friendship with Jamie because whenever i would talk to her, all I could ever think about was this mess, this unresolved problem, even though it was HER problem, HER life. And she was taking care of things, just not in the way I would have... therefore that was wrong. :) Thankfully things have gotten better, and I've learned to let go of something I have no control over and know that things will work themselves out in due time, even if it's not on MY time.:)

It does make me wonder what it is about me that says, "if I can't fix the problem right now, i'm walking!" and what is it about me that can only focus on the problem at hand until it can ulitmately ruin friendships?

Part of it, I realized is that I like things to have a clear definition. Boundaries. Rules. "this friend and i do this. this person and I have this." When things get muddled or a problem arises--one that requires time for it to solve itself or isn't even my problem but affects me indirectly, I don't know how to be a friend anymore until the problem rights itself. My place in that particular relationship doesn't have a boundary and so I waver somewhere between nothing and something.

Spoda says I'm searching for homeostasis--this need for balance in my life.... like walking into a room that is too hot and turning on the air conditioner. Most of the relational problems in my life come from finding that the room is too hot and the air conditioner is broken and all I can do is keep trying to fix the broken air conditioner instead of pouring myself a glass of water and dealing with it. It even irks me more if someone else is complaining about the broken air conditioner and it turns out that all it needed was to be plugged in but they refused to do it.

Spoda also said this, "When life gives you lemons...some complain, some make lemonade even though they wanted tea, and Hannah attempts in vain to make grape juice."

This need for homeostasis in my life is not necessarily bad, but it is eye-opening. It's revealing that I handle problems in this way. I want the most effective way to solve the problem, an effective strategy, a clear cut line, but life isn't always clean cut, life is messy. This is where i struggle. I'm passing out from heat exhaustion trying to fix the air conditioner instead of drinking some water, calling a repairman and having him come anywhere from 10-7 the next day and fixing it.

My goal? to learn to make lemonade from lemons and put grape juice on my grocery list :).

For the Times When I Feel Faint

Am I at the point of no improvement?
What of the death I still dwell in?
I try to excel, but I feel no movement.
Can I be free of this unreleasable sin?

Never underestimate my Jesus.
You're telling me that there's no hope.
I'm telling you your wrong.
Never underestimate my Jesus
When the world around you crumbles
He will be strong, He will be strong

I throw up my hands"Oh, the impossibilities"
Frustrated and tired
Where do I go from here?
Now I'm searching for the confidence I've lost so willingly
Overcoming these obstacles is overcoming my fear

Never underestimate my Jesus.
You're telling me that there's no hope.
I'm telling you your wrong.
Never underestimate my Jesus
When the world around you crumbles
He will be strong, He will be strong

I think I can't, I think I can't
But I think you can, I think you can
I think I can't, I think I can't
But I think you can, I think you can
Gather my insufficiencies and
place them in your hands, place them in your hands, place them in your hands

For the Moments I Feel Faint
Relient K


I've been feeling a touch overwhelmed--so this is my comfort song for the week.

And I shall call it...

Maude :) The name of my ipod. So now both my car and my ipod have fussy old lady names. Wonder what that says about me?

On being labeled and life in general

For those of you unfamiliar, Journey in January is a retreatat Camp Lutherhoma for High schoolers that's led and planned by other high schoolers . The best part (for me) about the trip is that I as an adult can participate in a group just for adults. I can talk about my church, my youth group and other stuff freely and not feel like I'm stepping on toes or stepping out of bounds.

The theme for Journey this year was "unlabeled". Friday night they asked us to get into our groups. We were given a green shirt.

During Bible study the first night we were told to write labels that people had given us onto our shirts. I had a ton. I never realized. Some were good. Like "clean" or "girly" (which i wrote and put a flower next to :)). Others weren't as good. "Like "anal retentive" or "young" (as in, "too young to be in charge of a group of high schoolers/middle schoolers/have a college education/know what I'm doing" young).

The high school groups did that too. Talk about brave. I was pretty tame with my labels on my shirt, but some kids weren't afraid to write them all like "gay," "fag" "lesbian" "stoner" "snob" "*itch" (we're at a church retreat--no cursing) :). It was pretty powerful.

The next day we were asked to put the labels we call ourselves and if we had some we didn't want others to see to put them on the inside. I had about 7 or 8 of them, mostly negative. Three hidden on the neckline of my shirt. At this point, I hated that stupid shirt. Hated that I was supposed to wear it or carry it with me wherever I went. It felt heavy with the labels I'd been called or called myself. I knew that I didn't want to take the shirt home, didn't want to wear it, didn't really want it anymore. More importantly, I didn't want anyone to see it. I didn't want anyone to know what I called myself, what others called me. (That's why I wrote my names on the back of the shirt and around the shoulders. Then it could be covered up.)

We were told before our saturday night activity to make sure and have our shirts. So I brought my shirt with me down to the campfire area where they had constructed a huge cross that we had sprayed our small group names on earlier that day. We were told that we had defiled the cross and that it needed to be covered. So we were sent on a hunt to find something that would cover it. At this point, I knew that we wouldn't find anything, but went along with it anyway. Finally after finding some tiny pieces of cloth, we were told to bring all of the cloth we'd found, all of our small group decorations and the green shirt that I Hated back to the cross.

At this point all the groups met back together and sitting by the fire pit was "Jesus" (one of the camp counselors "played" Jesus for lack of a better word). We didn't speak, we didn't make any noise (none of the 150-200 kids spoke at all) and we were told to follow our small group leader's example. We took all of our decorations, our shirts, our labels, our insecurities and piled them up on top of Jesus. It didn't take long for all of our stuff to make a huge pile that simply buried him.
We sang a song there at the cross and said prayers in our small group.

The next morning, at first word (down by the river again) we saw the cross we'd defiled covered in white cloth. It was quiet. So I sat facing the river and there was Jesus-dressed in white walking towards us on a sandbar. It was powerful. He didn't speak. He just walked out. Victorious over the labels that we'd buried him under.

I must admit that I wasn't terribly excited about going to Journey. The week leading up to it had been stressful and busy and I really wanted a weekend off! But I was glad to that I went. Beyond that, i've been thinking alot about the labels that I wear, the labels others wear and how it affects ministry and I've realized (or re-realized) some things since then.

*the only name that matters, the only label that sticks is the one that names us--all of us as God's loved child. A child that He sent his son to die for so that we wouldn't have to live a life burdened by the labels that sin places on us. I need to act with patience and love towards those around me because I might just see someone who is hurting, someone who needs to know and understand God's love and grace to them.

*I don't want to ever get comfortable, to lose the wonder of what Christ has done for me. Before Journey, I'd lost some of that wonder in the stress and the turmoil of life and work. The physical act of my laying my labels, my sins, my insecurities onto Jesus renewed that wonder... especially knowing that God's love is bigger and more fulfilling than any of the labels I place on myself.

*As we left camp, renewed and refreshed and energized, there was a sign that said "welcome to the journey" that reminded me that there's still a long way to go, a lot of people still hurt, and a lot of youth in my church that need to hear the message of God's love and grace--a love that loves beyond labels.

Welcome to the Journey.

Me, Myself and I

My good friend spode did a 5 random things about me post and I decided to do one myself... only I have more than 5. So here goes...

Random things you wanted to know about Hannah

OR

Things you didn't want to know but now know about Hannah

1. My current favorite snack is Snickers Ice Cream with Pretzels... and before you say that's gross... try it, it'll change your life I swear!

2. I read a book or two every week. Mostly fiction. I have some books I have read over 50 times I'm sure.

3. Some people have comfort food. I have comfort music and comfort books. My current comfort songs? Head over Feet (acoustic version) by Alanis Morrisette and Champagne High by Sister Hazel. My comfort books? Witch of Blackbird Pond by Elizabeth George Spear or Spring's Gentle Promise by Jeanette Oke (please don't mock me for the second choice!)

4. I have a process that I go through every time I leave for a trip. Sleep in if it's a Friday, be lazy for a couple hours. Pack (that has an order too, but I won't bore you...much more), make my bed, Load and run the dishwasher, take out the trash, and clean up my living space (bedroom/living room/kitchen). If it's a work event that i'm going on, that puts me at work at about 1:30-2 to finish up trip stuff before I go on the trip.

5. I don't do well with things I can't control... especially if it affects me or my friends and I can't fix it.

6. I've recently re-discovered the joy of cooking and find that I'm decent at it.

7. I can't not shower.... If for some reason, I don't shower, I spend the whole day feeling like I smell and like I'm filthy from head to toe. I also have to wear clothes clothes to run errands (jeans and a t-shirt is about as casual as I get to running to walmart... I think once in my recent memory--like back in july--I wore basketball shorts/tshirt and flipflops and felt so sloppy I couldn't shop effectively).

8. I took the DH quiz and I am Bree (which is no suprise to most people who watch the show and know me)

9. I like to shop. Alot. But contrary to popular belief, I'd rather shop for other people. Then it's not my money. If I'm shopping for myself, I'd rather go by myself. I'm also a very picky shopper when it comes to buying for myself. Jamie teases me about the money I spend on clothes, but I don't really have that many and that's because I'd rather spend more money on less clothes that last than clothes that don't fit after the first or second time you wash them.

10. In the past few months I have gotten a new work computer, a new cell phone (a razr!), new car (my lovely bett e. bug!), and a new ipod (which may or may not get named). I am officially technologied out.

11. I have a three-wear rule with new clothes. Don't ask to borrow a shirt that I just bought until you've seen me wear it three times. I think that's also why I don't buy clothes too often or stick to more classic things. I have to decide in the store whether or not I can make good use (can I wear it three times in three different ways?) of a shirt/pants, etc before I will buy it.

12. I've been delegated as the communicator between friends. I like to have friends... even if they're far away and I like to keep up with them and their lives. So I'm usually the one with all the info on everyone.

13. I'm going through a pink phase and Jamie says I've turned girly since college.

14. I cleaned my office and "exorcised" it of stuff left behind. Next: Pictures and candles to take over to make it mine :) (and yes probably girly).

15. I would rather communicate by Email/Aim/Facebook/Text than by telephone to conduct "business". I usually only call friends... and only a couple of those consistently.

16. I have old woman knees. Thank you mom!

17. I am competitive. Games aren't fun unless you play to win. I annoy people with my competitiveness. The only game I consistnetly play and know that I'll lose at is Scrabble and that's because I think Scrabble is more strategy than the words you play and therefore, if I can conquer the board I could win!!

18. I have picked up a southern Drawl. Words like "fixin'" and "Ya'll" have been known to come out of my mouth unknowingly. Yikes. My worst southern drawl moment? "We're fixin' to go bowlin'" ouch. Where is my snobby yankee accent hiding?

19. Some afternoons when I'm off, I like to grab lunch and drive around. After lunch with a friend a couple weeks ago, I took about 2/1/2 hours to get home because I was exploring OKC in my trusy bett e. bug.

20. I like to write. journal. stories. poetry. But you'll probably never get to read it except for what I post here, b/c It's pretty personal and I'm scared you'll tell me its bad:)

Well there's 20 things you didn't know about me but you now know! Hope you enjoyed this segment! More about Journey in January next post!

A Resolute 2006

And now for what you've all been anxiously waiting for...

Here are my new year's resolutions they're not terribly creative, but they're ones I think I can keep (not that I couldn't keep creative ones, but these are areas I need to work on... why am I rambling? i don't know... continuing on...)

FINANCIAL
1. Give to church. (in 05, I gave, but I wasn't consistent. I want to be consistent and give off the top, not from what's leftover.)

2. Make a budget (starting in february) and keep it (my "budget" in 2005 wasn't.... well... existent. I did live within my means for the most part and intend to do so in 2006). If I keep it, i get a reward at the end of the month (I work well with prizes... especially if it's a chance to go shopping!!) I also would like to find a financial accountability partner to keep me in track. I do better with a friend "keeping tabs"

3. Save (realistically I should save 10% of my paycheck. And I have that much leftover in theory, but right now my "savings" is going to taco bueno and panera. And all panera and taco bueno can offer me in 20 years is a slower metabolism and higher cholesterol and I can't live on that in retirement!... so saving here I come!)


SPIRITUALLY
4. Spend time in the Word. ( expected yes, but I've not been doin' so hot with this one recently. )

5. Find a prayer partner to meet with once a week. (When two or three are gathered...)

6. Bible study with non-Messiah type people. Attend a different church at least once a month on saturdays (it'll help my attitude of worship)


FUN
7. Make my bedroom grownup. (pictures on walls, etc.)

WORK
8. Focus on work like I've never focused before. Have a positive attitude. Ask for help when I need it.

9. Get organized.


Well that's all my resolutions for 2006. I'd appreciate comments and/or thoughts on them.

Me again! 

Me and Jess and my new hair! 

Me and Bek 

Jess and I cosmic bowling 

What?

Ok--this is just getting a bit ridiculous here. Where are all the normal people!?

Unlucky 13

Happy Aught Six everyone! I hope this post finds you safe and happy and enjoying the new year.

I spent New Years in Dallas with the newlyweds which was entertaining as always. According to Laura "scienced" is a proper verb ex. he "scienced" himself out of the room. I love spending time with the newlywed's because I look at their relationship and see a million tiny everyday things that make their marriage work. Things that i want when I get married. I see two committed people who have chosen each other for good and bad better/worse, yada yada yada.

Warning: This is where the happy stuff ends. The rest of this blog's purpose is to be a venting medium. I've been struggling with some stuff the past few weeks and haven't had the words to voice it. so here it is.

During this weekend Laura and I were talking about stuff we both were struggling with and I made the comment that I was terrified that in 5 years I would be exactly where I was today (well Saturday night). She said she completely understood. I then commented that she had a successful marriage and I didn't and she replied that she didn't have the job she wanted and I did. Funny how we're both scared of the same thing for different reasons.

I think the new year always makes me more than a little pensieve and kind of depressed. Each year I think that momentous changes are on the way and each end of the year I get disappointed when nothing of particular note happens.

When I look back over 05 I am surprised at how little has changed. I mean, yes, I became a real full-time employee at Messiah but it's really not that different than when I was an intern. I am still single, and with all the changes that have happened in the past couple months, I still spend most of my nights by myself in my apartment just like last year. It's almost like junior year of college all over again and I feel as ill-equiped to deal with it now as I did then. The fear that I am just a "starter" friend until they find something better plagues me and I know that's my insecurity but I don't know to fix that. I also don't know how to talk about it. It's not something that you just bring up in everyday conversation either... and I'm afraid of how I'll be viewed after it's been said.

I feel like I'm not being effective at work at all... Like I'm not doing enough, not accomplishing enough, not experienced enough to do what's expected, what I feel needs to be done. I feel so inadequate and like I'm just being set-up to fail and b/c this fear runs so deep that unless asked then I just don't talk about it.

And then, if you're not depressed enough keep reading. Hannah's still an idiot when it comes to boys. Instead of being patient I trade in a nice quality mercedes in for a kia or maybe even one of those geo metros that I don't really want to drive and then still end up without a car. New years was kind of a fiasco but if you want the details ask me and I'll tell you. (it's also the reason for the title of the blog).

I need a kindred spirit and I wish I could talk about this stuff openly but instead it just kind of builds up inside then explodes into a really depressing post.

What a mess. I'm sorry that this isn't a happier post but as okc lindz said about a month ago...

"No, it's not happy and pleasant, but life isn't always happy and pleasant and that's exactly where I'm at right now. In an unhappy, unfulfilled, unpleasant, unsatisfied place. "

More another time folks.