Susie Highschool

I went to a high school class reunion meeting this past week when I was back in Jasper County and I realized 2 things.

1. I love Newton, Illinois. I have this immense amount of pride for my hometown and the people that still live there. While hanging out with my classmates this past week, I realized that there is something very admirable about the people who are content to live their life forever and ever amen in Jasper County. The people that want roots and extended families to celebrate the holidays with and people they've known since they were 2. There's something very attractive about that kind of stability--the kind that if you choose it, you can plan out your life from point a to point b to point c without any trouble. A straight path. Painless. And there's a very large part of me that wants this.

2. There's a part of me that doesn't want that life. I love Oklahoma City, I love Messiah, I love the fact that I have these amazing friends that are evidence of a great 4 years of college. I love that I can still visit Jasper county and be that different and exciting person. I LOVE the work I'm doing. I like that I may not know where I'll be in the next year or the next year or the next. The unknown is exciting and challenging and sometimes painful, but that's ok.

Where's the balance? I think that I can still bleed Newton Eagle Orange and Blue while rooting for the crimson and cream ;)

Struggle

Call me Israel because I wrestle with God.

I get so frustrated over things that I can't control and I'm not nice and I'm not pretty when I'm like this and I know that and it frustrates me even more.

The other night I was saying my prayers and was acting like the spoiled child who hadn't gotten her way and God caught me in the act. He told me to let go. That was all. A simple child-like command for my childish behavior. Easy... Well not quite. I made it difficult. I even woke up the next morning still frustrated at myself and at God for what he was asking me to do.

After talking to a couple friends, who all encouraged me not to ignore what God was asking me to do, I prayed about it and asked for his help to let go of the thing that was keeping me from him.

I breathed my first free breath, no stress, no tension, no frustration. Letting go wasn't punishment, it was freedom.

The rest of this week, instead of letting myself worry, I'm trying to turn it over to God.

I'm trusting that the God who makes the sunset with such great detail that it is different every day will treat my life with that same care as he has in the past

The Call and Will of God?

Tis the season to be calling...

Two months ago, one month ago, three weeks ago the answer was easy. I wanted to stay. Two weeks ago I started to realize what that would mean if I did or what it meant if I would leave. So, I did what I'm good at and made a list of reasons to stay and to go and came out even. Some reasons to leave are technicalities, some are big things I need to give more consideration and prayer. Some reasons to stay are valid reasons, but do they outweigh the reasons go go?

I guess that it all comes down to this question though: Where is God calling me? When I realized that is the root of this struggle I'm in, it takes the focus off of me and my expectations but brings up harder questions to answer than do I leave or do I stay.

The questions that reverberate in my mind then are these:
What is His will for my life? I know that God will bless the decisions that I make if I've truly been seeking him, but really, how do I distinguish between my desires and God's desires? Shouldn't they be one in the same? Would I stay because I feel comfortable or because I feel called?

It seems like there's no right answer and maybe no wrong answer to these questions, so how do I decide?I want to be back in the land of black and white, right and wrong. This gray area in which I'm walking causes me to stumble and become confused. I know that God will never let me stumble enough to become confused, only enough to seek His guidance. So I'll walk through this fog and continue to pray knowing that God will answer in His time.

The pathway is broken
And The signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why
You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley
If You want me to

Cause I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise
You're not through with me yet
so if all of these trials bring me closer to you
Then I will walk through the fire
If You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone

So when the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering that Your love put You through
And I will walk through the darkness
If You want me to

Cuz when I cross over Jordan
Gonna sing, gonna shout,
Gonna look into Your eyes and see You never let me down
So take me on the pathway that leads me home to You
And I will walk though the valley
If You want me to
Yes, I will walk through the valley
If You want me to


If You Want Me To~ Ginny Owens

Epiphany

Patience, Patience, Patience... That's my new mantra.

I know that I am not patient. I'm one of those obnoxious tap-my-foot-"arewethereyet?"-check-my-watch-and-sigh-impatiently- kind of people. I want things done NOW... why wait? So, recently, I prayed for patience about a particular matter, and am finding myself tested, however, at the same time, I'm learning about God's blessing and his providence (his providing) for me in all times and in all circumstances. It's not an easy lesson, and I'd like to learn it NOW PLEASE instead of slowly, but I know that is how patience is developed.

The epiphany I had that was mentioned in my good friend Jamie's blog (internshipinalaska.blogspot.com) is something that developed from my prayer for patience.

I've been obsessing about something for about a month and a half (my friends can attest that yes, I DO overanalyze), and when things weren't moving as quickly as I thought they should, or the way I wanted them to, I flipped out. Call it a control issue, a impatience issue, whatever. But I realized that I was holding on too tightly to this thing I wanted. God laid on my heart to give it up to him and let him bless it and work with it in His time whatever may come from that. Since then, yes I've thought about it, but it's not been the same "oh my gosh what am I going to do about this whole situation, I have to fix it?!" as it had been. Now it's "I don't know what's happening, but I know that it'll work out however God chooses to work it" and the peace that comes from letting God work and the knowledge that God is working is nice (for lack of a better word).

Since thanksgiving was last week, I'm going to count my blessings (and also I'm copying off of Jamie's blog)

1. My friends specifically Jamie, Jen, Julianna (with her wonderful man brain), Kristy, Jess and Haarman.
2. My family and the fact that they are all OK and healthy. I'm thankful that I was able to spend time with them
3. Messiah: all of them. every single member. this church has been wonderful to me and I missed it so much when I was home!
4. For my friends from illinois who still hang out with me when I'm there: yay for jenny page and sarah kistner!
5. For the good cooks in my family who feed me. :)


Well that's all for now, but since it's Christmas time I'll close with these song lyrics from White Christmas

"when you're worried and you can't sleep,
just count your blessings instead of sheep
and you'll go to sleep counting your blessings."