Monday, November 07, 2005


for a while now, I've been wrestling with contentedness.

i'm not sure why its hitting now or its a yearly thing about this time of year (b/c I'm sure that if I look back at old blogs that I moped about the same things about this time a year ago), but contentedness escapes me.

Stuff at work is fine, i think, and I'm not sure if I'm doing what I'm supposed to. i'm not really getting much feedback if I'm doing a good job or if I'm doing anything. There are things I know that i can do better and I face my toughest critics sometime next week when i have my staff review. I'm nervous b/c I just feel like I'm not doing enough. I feel frustrated. I feel tired. I feel like there aren't enough hours that I'm working to get it all done.

My social life is there and thanks to Jess moving to Oklahoma City, I now have another buddy around. yay! im so glad she's here. i feel blessed that God continues to answer the prayers of his child that hasn't been that intent on spending time with him. So to my friends and my roommate--thanks for the blessing you've been in my life these past months. Another thanks is due to my wonderful friends from college--for sticking with me even if we disagree.

I've been longing for my future husband mightily these past couple weeks, wishing he were here, wishing that on my drives home that it was him i was driving home to. In my moments of weakness and loneliness, I keep thinking I should call or email a certain someone who resides in the great city of topeka (the place from which my lovely spoda hails), but in the words of Chandler there might be a "can open, worms all over the place"--and I don't really want an open can of worms to clean up. (which, when you think about it, makes no sense to me. who carries around a can of worms? ewww)

More importantly, my spiritual life is pretty..... well it's sucky. I've only half-heartedly attempted to crack my bible open and to journal my prayers, and when i pray aloud it feels stilted... like I'm talking to a stranger or to a friend I've lost contact with and am wondering what to talk about.... which is great for someone who works in the church.

More than anything I need a recommitment in my life to God, to my work, to my youth, to myself, friends and yes even my future husband. I am only as strong and as capable as the power of Christ in me....

In other news, Leon the neon is no longer. He has been traded off to the big parts business in the sky. I now drive a 2003 VW Bug (dark gray with cute little pink flowers in the vase):) it's waay cute and i'm thinking of naming it betty or bob. I'm leaning towards betty, but will take any suggestions of cute b names. :) (i dont think i can name it bethany though.. it would be weird to have a car and a friend both named bethany...thats kind of like naming your dog the same thing as your child)