Ponderance

On the day we received our Practicum assignments 4 years ago, I remember realizing that for our class that was the ending of being together. That soon and very soon God would be sending us all in very different directions. Internship placement came and went, internships came and went. We all received calls and 4 of us girls in very similar circumstances made very similar decisions to stay at our internship churches.

I was thankful that, even in our uniquely different situations, we were connected by that similarity. There was still someone who would understand the life that I was choosing because she was going through it too.

Today, a lot has changed. While the 4 of us are still at our internship churches, our circumstances are very different. 1 has gotten married, 1 is in a serious relationship and there is 1 who still is in a very similar circumstance to me. Good. I am still understood.

However, these past few months have thrown me into some introspection about my future (as I've blogged before). I don't know exactly what it looks like beyond this Thursday, beyond
May, beyond VBS. I'm not exactly sure where I'm going from here. I continue to do my job because it is here, because I love my youth, because I still see God's working in me here, but I wonder exactly what is going to happen.

I had thought that today-evaluation day-would be like some big blazing altar like in the times of Elijah-that it would make clear to me "Oh, so this is what you're supposed to do now." Instead, I feel like I am still waiting for an answer. I crave the black and white instead of all this gray.

Perhaps am I dragging my feet because I want someone to experience this first, so I know what to do. As the oldest child, maybe that has been embedded deep in me, this wanting to learn from someone else's mistakes and failures so that I don't have to. I want one of the other 3 to go first. Like a game of tag, I don't want to be "it."

Perhaps we should just play eeeny meeny miney mo.