Ladder Climber

I want to be a ladder climber but I think my first rung is broken :)

Anyway, so my friend lindsey and I were talking the other night about levels that people are on relationally. We both agree that we do well with the people who are single--people on our level.

Then comes the people who are dating--on a separate level, but we can relate to them b/c 1)they still stress about boys--though its usually the same one and 2) they haven't climbed another rung. It's just one rung ahead of us.

Then there's the engaged people... another level b/c it implies commitment, but really not so far off that it changes things, and there's still the hope that we can catch up.

then comes marriage. This is the point where I stop relating because I don't understand it, I haven't been to the point where I say "I want to marry this man". And I'm not just talking about the wedding itself, because quite honestly, I can dress myself up in a white dress and pick 6 friends to dress up in the same dress, but i dont have the guy that made the commitment that makes me want to wear a white dress and pick 6 friends to dress up in the same dresses. I don't have the guy that wants to spend forever with me. I can't imagine the benefits of marriage having never experienced the benefits of a real relationship. That's like 5 ladder rungs ahead of me. I can't climb that fast and really, I'd probably displace a hip trying.

After marriage things change. Priorities shift, and people start to grow up. They start thinking in pairs, start finding couples to be friends with, start having babies (another level I dont even want to think about!) and start hanging out with families! It amazes me that there are people my age who have babies (people who i knew single, dating, engaged, married, and now parents) and all this time I have been single, single, single, single. I'm not complaining, b/c God has taught me patience and has taught me the blessing of friends I might not have learned if I had been married with babies by now. However, it does seem like I'm stuck in level one while friends are moving up to levels 6 and 7 and then it gets harder to hold close to them.

So to all my first ladder rung level friends--thanks for sticking it out on the bottom rung :)

I've been everywhere man...

Well I haven't been everywhere, but I definately have been to North Dakota, Minnesota, South Dakota, Iowa, Nebraska, and Kansas this past weekend.

My friend Jen just got married and I caught the bouquet at the reception! YES! that means I'm next in line. Next in line with whom and when is still a mystery. It was really nice to see some Concordia friends again, including the lovable, rational spoda. Once again we had to convince her that she is NOT (read this carefully spoda) wearing pants to her wedding. Other items of interest were meeting the groom, the man that jen will spend the rest of her life with. He seems like a really nice guy and they seem (for what little time I saw of them) to be a good match for each other. Jen was beautiful and her sister gave a really nice speech. My favorite line was "now I know that Jen got way more than the perfect ken for her" awww.

What else is going on? Well lots of things have happened in the past couple weeks, not that I've been around really to process any of it. we had fall camp with our 8th grade confirmands (we do a high ropes course with them) and it's really cool to see the growth from the beginning of the weekend to the end of the weekend. After that I was wisked away to the lovely land of watonga oklahoma for our churchworker conference. I didn't go to a single session (And before you yell and say I'm a bad churchworker, would YOU want to learn how to write advent sermon texts bases on the greek and hebrew--bethany don't answer that). Instead we dce's hung out and did district gathering business (t minus 3 weeks!) and other such things. My roommate Zeal (yes first name zeal, last name beale... another story another time) is an intern at a church in tulsa. I really like her. She's got lots of passion for her job and for Christ and the ministry that he's doing through her. I'm glad she was around and was my roommate.

After watonga, I headed back to okc and then it was up to the snowy north (yes it snowed... yuck... I'm such a southerner now). And now I'm back. So, overall, since my last post, life has been busy, but good. I did have a lunch date set up a couple weeks ago which was fine, but really nothing terribly exciting happened. no sparks.

Before I sign off here, I want to share a true story from youth ministry...

sunday night hannah is watching desperate housewives:
phone rings

Hannah: hello?
Zach ming: (youth who is always right... just ask him he'll tell you and give you a three fold reason... tried to pick up boys for me at the mall) HANNAH!
Hannah: ZACH!
Zach: I have a question. Remember how we were talking about harry potter before sunday school the other day and you agreed that dumbledore's death was a conspiracy? Well, I'm trying to convince my friend I'm right. In the book there's a part where snape and dumbledore were arguing. Do you know what page thats on?
Hannah: umm no Zach I don't
Zach: well don't you have your book?
Hannah: not right this second
Zach: well find it. Ok bye

10 minutes later the phone rings again.
Zach: Hannah its on page 404 if you're ever curious. bye.

gotta love that kid.

Well that's all of my post for today! More later when I'm not too tired to be insightful! ;)

Feels like fall, feels like love

I think there's something in air when the weather gets cooler. Fall reminds me of raking leaves, long walks, hot chocolate, hay rides, campfires, big bulky sweaters, new blue jeans, and for some strange reason, love. Maybe it's because it gets dark sooner and the weather holds a chill I want to be spending that time indoors with someone I love.

I think fall creates in me this feeling of longing for my hand to be held by my future husband.
I was talking to Bekah about it tonight as we walked around our apartment complex and we both agree that we're ready to settle. About how we want our next relationship to be spent with the men we will marry.

Related but random story: (it does have a point I promise) I made a promise to my dear pot that this kettle would not gratuitously make out with a boy unless he took me out on a date. A real, dinner date. Why? well, you see I've had a lot of first kisses but never seconds and that's because I've never kissed a boy I've been in a relationship with. I want that guy thats worth a second kiss to be the boy I marry. I'm ready for fall nights such as these to be spent with my husband and my kids.

So it comes back down to trust and patience. Patience in the God that makes the seasons, and trust that the God that creates a time and season for everything will create a time and season for my heart to love. :)

Piss and Moan

I realized yesterday that I have done an overabundance of complaining about my single situation. Well here is my resolution.

No longer will I piss and moan about my single state! I will be content!

In all seriousness, I hate whiners and that's what I've been this past month. So things didn't work out like I wanted. I got rejected. Yes, it sucks, and yes, boys can be retarded, and yes they can make you want to tear your hair out, but I'm done complaining about it. I'm done! It is my prayer that God teaches me how to be content and focused on the ministry before me at Messiah.

Confession: I made a "deal" with God back in June, after I had a bit of a meltdown (it's recorded here) I said "OK God, I'll focus on youth ministry really whole-hearterdly until October and then you can give me a man. Silly. It's almost October and I haven't kept up my end of the bargain. "Focused" may be the last word to describe my work ethic. Why should God keep up his end of the bargain?

At the beginning of Junior year at Concordia, I really felt that God asked me to give up the idea of dating boys, of looking for a boyfriend (I sound like I'm on the prowl don't I) for a year. Well, I sort of did that... with the full expectation that God would drop mr. future husband in my lap August 28, 2003 (the day my no boy year was up). Silly.

I've learned, and am continuing to learn that I just need to trust. Lack of trust is a lack of faith one of my professors once told me and my unfaith in God's ability to work is astounding. "oh you of little faith" Do I not trust that God will work in my life? Why not? Hasn't he worked before? Hasn't he answered your prayers? Are you afraid of a no? Do you not trust that God's ways are higher than yours? That in his "no" he may bless more than in his "yes?" You of little faith, why don't you trust?

You out there in blog-land, hold me to my challenge to not piss and moan about my single state as of today September 29, 2005. This does not mean that I'm not going to take opportunities to change it, but I'm not going to complain or worry about it. God's got it. Remind me of that.

Without

Just got back from Dallas. I love the newlyweds. They should have their own sitcom. Here is a true account from my adventures wtih Laura and Josh.

(laura is sitting on floor by couch playing with Josh's army hatchet)
Laura: (hitting hatchet on leg) wow this is really sharp. I bet I could chop off my leg or at least my toe. I'm really tempted to try it!
Josh: Give me the hatchet so you don't hurt yourself. It's not a toy
Laura hands hatchet to Josh. Josh takes hatchet and hits it on the wooden arm of the couch and cracks it.
Josh: (Looks up suprised) Wow this really is sharp!

Ahh the newlyweds. I thought this was hilarious.

I suppose you're wondering about the title of my blog. Well I'll tell you. Everyone once in a while... just every once in a while, I start to wonder if there is something inherently wrong with me, something profoundly undateable. Normally I am content. This weekend brought up some weird emotions.

I usually just think of myself as just me and see people as individuals. When I'm around a couple, I see people as with or without. Last night I felt deeply without. I wanted someone to hold my hand at the movies, someone to do the million little things that mean nothing and something all at once, wished a boy would simply return my email. It was so frustrating. And, confession: I cried. Not a lot and not for a real reason, but I did. Because I was without.

Sorry i don't have a happier post. More another time.